No Place Like Home
by southerngirl4615
Summary: UPDATED ! Had to change the rating due to violence. What happens when the fellowship lands, divided, into the homes of a group of insane friends ? Chaos, that's what. COMPLETE !
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer- I own nothing in this world. I don't even own my family since they will not even listen to their rightful ruler which is me. They must not have read the memo.  
  
Chapter 1  
  
How to Modify a Car (In Five Seconds or Less)  
  
I was bored out of my mind. My mother had left me the apartment while I was on summer break from the horrors of college. She had left on a merry "vacation" with her new boyfriend. Who has a boyfriend when they're like sixty ?  
  
Anyway...I had managed to pretty much piss my summer away and not remember most of it. But wait, I am being so rude. You don't know who I am, do you ? Well, you should. Hello, I'm Valentina. Tina for short. I'm nineteen, an aquarius, I love puppies and vampires but that's a story for another time. Where was I ? Oh,yes, about pissing my summer away. So I woke up with the obligatory hangover that comes from walking hand in hand with way too many bottles of tequila. Two minutes into wishing for a new head I was already bored. That's when the phone rang and my head nearly fell off but I wasn't so lucky. I quickly answered it.  
  
"Hello," I moaned.  
  
"Good, you're awake," the male voice whispered on the other end. It was my bestest friend in the whole wide world, Matt.  
  
"But barely alive. Tell me you feel as bad as I do."  
  
"Probably worse. Listen, can you come over ? Like at the speed of light ?"  
  
"No. The millenium falcon is in for repairs."  
  
"Please," he begged, still whispering ",I have something to show you."  
  
"I've seen it before, Matt. I wasn't impressed."  
  
"Funny. Listen just get over here and I'll give you somethin' to get rid of your hangover."  
  
"Fine. Just let me shower first."  
  
"Make it fast."  
  
I hung up then slowly tested the ground with a toe to make sure it wouldn't move. You know how the ground likes to play tricks on us unsuspecting hungover people. It also likes to play tricks on me when I'm completely sober. Which is exactly what it did. No sooner did I have both feet firmly planted on the ground that the phone rang and I fell flat on my face. It hurt as badly as it sounds. I crawled over to my nightstand and looked at the caller ID. It was my other bestest friend, Mandy the Munchkin. She's short if you couldn't tell by the nickname. I picked up the phone for the second time in five minutes.  
  
"Louie's morgue. You stab 'em we slab 'em."  
  
"Tina," Mandy whispered ",I need you to come over."  
  
"Sorry, President asked first."  
  
"I'm serious," she hissed ",Matt can wait."  
  
"What is with all of the whispering ?"  
  
"Tina," Mandy yelled causing my head to nearly explode. Do you see how many things my head nearly does. I think its a procrastinator. Or it has issues with following through.  
  
"Fine, but do me a favor."  
  
"Anything to get your slow butt in your car and on your way over here."  
  
"Tell me if this sounds like a phone hanging up."  
  
Click. I put the cordless phone back on its base, smiling, very pleased with myself. The phone began to ring again but I ignored it deciding instead to brave the fun house floor to take a shower. After staying under the spray of the showerhead until the water ran cold I quickly dressed with my head protesting my fast movements the whole time. I dressed in my baggy JNCOs, Docs and a wife beater then left the apartment. I started up my POS Ford Escort and was soon driving down a back road towards Matt's house. Dust was flying around the road making it nearly impossible to see. I squinted at a dark form hunched over in the middle of the road. It looked like some sort of animal...and...it...wasn't...moving ! I slammed on the brakes, skidding to a halt, only inches from the "thing". The dust seemed to settle and I was left staring into abnormally large eyes. The thing screeched and stood to its full height. While clutching my ears in pain I was vaguely aware that it looked somewhat human.  
  
"Theys stole it from us," it bellowed. "My precious. The hobbitses stole it from us. We hates hobbitses."  
  
Then the thing began beating the crap out of the hood of my car. I threw myself across the front seat to avoid possible injury which was a good thing. No sooner had I crashed into the passenger's seat that something heavy landed on top of my car. And I mean heavy. So heavy that I lost about an inch of head room and my windows blew out.  
  
When my ears finally quit ringing I got out of my car the only way I could. The doors didn't open so I had to fling myself out of the driver's side window. Let me tell you I was the picture of grace and elegance and I sprawled myself onto the gravel and glass. I looked up to the roof of the car to see two men, crouched, with two very sharp looking arrows pointed at me. I took a quick look around but didn't see America's Next Top Model anywhere which meant that for the time being my car was safe. I stood up, assessing the damage to my poor baby, completely ignoring the weapons aimed at my throat. I looked up at the two men, making a mental note to review later when I had calmed down: pointy ears, wierd clothes, archaic weapons, long hair. Then I yelled ",LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY CAR !!!!"  
  
(A/N- I don't think its very funny but maybe someone out there will or maybe it will get funnier further into the story. I hope you like and I'll try to update soon. So now the queen of the world says to review. Go on press the button or its off with your heads. Oh, sorry, got away from myself there for a moment.) 


	2. People, Cars, Cities, Oh My !

(A/N- You people should know I love ya since I'm typing this with a sprained wrist. So blame the cursed appendage for any typos. Also I have another LOtR story its under the general crossover section and its called Misplaced. Please check it out. Thank you Nienna-yavetil for reviewing I'm glad you thought it was funny. Now on with the story.)  
  
Chapter 2  
  
People, Cars, Cities, Oh My !  
  
"LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY CAR !!"  
  
The two men lowered their weapons, looking at one another confused. "Haldir," one asked.  
  
"Legolas," the other questioned.  
  
The one named Legolas spoke to Haldir in their language ",Manke naa lye ?" (Where are we?)  
  
"Amin n'sinta. Mani naa car ?" (I don't know. What is a car ?)  
  
"Hello," I called, waving to them. "Foreign language is not my thing."  
  
"We apologize my lady," Legolas replied bowing low. "But we do not know where we are. This land seems strange. Is this your kingdom ?"  
  
Haldir's voice practically exploded from his mouth ",What is a car ?"  
  
"And what kind of crack have you been smoking ?" They both looked blankly at me. Obviously no sense of humor or they are completely serious. "Wait ! You're serious ?"  
  
"I assure you we are quite serious, Edan."  
  
Ooookaaay ! Haldir is a complete snobby jerk. I looked to Legolas who in turn shot Haldir a dirty look. "Watch how you speak to the mortal Haldir." That somehow didn't sound any better. "Now, my lady, where in Middle Earth are we ?"  
  
"Middle Earth ?" I burst out laughing, my head choosing now to remind me it was still there and in pain. "Oh ! OW ! Sorry. We're in Zachary, Louisiana. Its on Earth. And last time I checked Middle Earth didn't exist."  
  
"Are you," Haldir began cautiously ",the ruler of this...Zachary ?"  
  
"In my own mind. Now my turn. Who are you ?"  
  
"I am Prince Legolas of Mirkwood and this is Haldir, Marchwarden of Lothlorien." I lifted an eyebrow questioningly. "We are wood elves. And who might you be ?"  
  
Maybe I should call Bellview now since these guys are obviously nuts and should not be in possession of sharp, pointy objects. "I'm Valentina Baker but you can call me Tina."  
  
Haldir looked down his not at me as he once again asked ",What is a car ?"  
  
In all of the confusion I had forgotten all about my poor abused compact car. POS Mathilda may be but she was better than my other one: a VW minibus. Mathilda was easier to find a parking space for. And she didn't eat that much gas compared to the bohemoth. "A car, my car is currently what you're standing on. GET OFF ! GET OFF !"  
  
The elves fell off of the car in an ungraceful heap from the impact of my voice. "Oh, my flippin' mom is gonna flippin' kill me. Ya straight jacket morons killed her ! Now I'm stuck drivin' the bus until sh's fixed."  
  
"It is alive," Haldir questioned, tapping on the dented metal.  
  
"Well, no," I began but my cell phone rang. I once again ignored the arrows pointed at my throat. "Hello ? Thank you for calling the people who have tragically lost their cars support group. How many in your party ?"  
  
"Why are you not here yet," Matt screamed. I could hear someone banging around Matt's house quite loudly.  
  
"Were you not listening. My car was murdered. What's going on ?"  
  
"I'm being held hostage in my bathroom. Get your ass over here."  
  
"Just out of curiosity are they dressed like King Arthur ?"  
  
"Well, they have swords."  
  
"Some of your friends are at my friend's house," I told Haldir and Legolas. "I'll beam right over Matt." I hung up the cell phone but it rang again and yet again two arrows were pointed at me. "Taco Bell. Will you two put those damn things down !"  
  
"Tina," it was Mandy now ",my house has been emptied of food."  
  
"I didn't know you could eat that much."  
  
"It wasn't me you moron. These four midgets broke in and ate it all."  
  
This was becoming a very, very strange day, indeed. And that has got to be the understatement of the year.  
  
"Okay, Munch, I believe that four little people broke in and ate all of your food."  
  
I was being sarcastic of course. Well, I was until Haldir and Legolas looked at one another then Legolas exclaimed ",The hobbits !"  
  
That was the same thing that thing had yelled before it beat my car up. (sniff) My poor car. "Who was that ?"  
  
"Friends of the wee fold I believe. They say they're wood elves."  
  
"Tina hurry up and get over here."  
  
"I can't. Matt's being held at sword point at his house."  
  
"Fine ! I'll come to you. NO ! Don't touch that ! I'm gonna kill you !"  
  
This time Mandy hung up on me. I looked to Haldir and Legolas who were still standing next to my car. "Okay, come one. We've go to get my other car and go save Matt."  
  
Walking back to my apartment I called my friend Lonnie who just happens to be the savior of all saviors by working at an auto body shop. I calmly lied through my teeth and explained how a runaway tree had attacked my car before running back into the forest. He said he would take care of it. See why he's a savior ? The phone rang again. I was glad to see the elves didn't feel the need to try to kill me for answering it. This time it was my friend Betsy. "I have a dwarf hacking my house to pieces and a wizard threatening to turn me into a frog if I don't send them back to this place called Middle Earth."  
  
"Hey, guys, are you missing a dwarf and a wizard ?" Both nodded so fast I thought their brains were going to fall out. "Find a way to get 'em to my apartment."  
  
After a few minutes of coaxing the elves into the bus and convincing the bus it needed to start I drove the three of us to Matt's house. I walked into the house without knocking (as I always do) with Legolas and Haldir behind me. I saw a flash of metal then heard a clank. I looked up. Legolas held his sword against another, pretty much saving my life. In thanks I passed out.  
  
Next- Chapter 3: All Hail King Matt ?  
  
Now please treat me to a review or two. 


	3. All hail King Matt ?

A/N- Thank you time. Thanks nienna-yavetil and Guardian of the Balance. And for all of you other readers out there please review. Also I have another story on ff.net its called Misplaced. Please read it because the plot bunnies and my muse are getting quite mad and are threatening to turn carnivore on me. I really don't want to be eaten. Oh, and I don't own LOtR or any of its characters. My friends as far as I know still own themselves since slavery is illegal. Now on with the story.  
  
Chapter 3  
  
All Hail King Matt ?  
  
I groaned very loudly. The floor was not as giving and comfy as I once thought. "She is waking," a strange voice said.  
  
"What would you have us do with her King Matt ?"  
  
It was another strange voice. What did they mean do with me ? That just didn't sound right. I most certainly didn't want to be mol---KING MATT ?! "Let her get up ya dorks !"  
  
"King Matt ? Oh that is wrong on so many levels."  
  
"Shut up, Tina."  
  
Legolas helped me up and I looked to the men who were obviously no longer holding Matt prisoner. "Well, hello handsome and handsomer."  
  
"I know aren't they," Matt gushed.  
  
Before you even ask yes Matt is and he is very proud of it thank you very much.  
  
"And who are you," I asked, completely ignoring Matt, as usual.  
  
"Aragorn, heir to Isildur, King of Gondor."  
  
"Boromir, son of Denethor, steward of Gondor. And, Aragorn, need I remind you that you haven't claimed the throne yet. So you are the future king of Gondor."  
  
"Thank you for the correction. How many times is that now ? A million ?"  
  
I looked away from the bickering couple back to Matt ",How in hades did you convice them you were king ?"  
  
"Well, they broke down the bathroom door. Which I'm sure my parent's will kill me for. I'll just blame you. Anywho, they had me cornered. They asked who I was. I said Matt. They asked if I was ruler of this strange land. I said yes. Its amazin' what you'll say when you have very sharp, very big, knives pokin' you in the chest."  
  
I held my head, which was pulsing to Matt's spoken rhythm. "Oh ! Head. Explode ! Go splat."  
  
"Aw, poor baby." Somehow I don't think Matt really meant that. "Sit on the couch and I'll get something to make it better."  
  
"Hurry," I called, falling onto the couch. "Mandy and Betsy are on their way to my house with more of these guys."  
  
"There are more ?"  
  
I could almost see Matt's eyes glinting as evil (and just plain wrong) thoughts ran through his mind.  
  
"Whatever you're thinkin' Matt, just stop. Unless you want me to skewer you."  
  
"If you were Orlando Bloom I would seriously consider it."  
  
Leave it to Matt to turn a threat into a proposition.  
  
"King Matt...," Boromir began.  
  
"Stop calling him that."  
  
Matt brought me the much needed advil and some water. I took two then to be safe I swallowed ten more. Oh, my liver must really hate me by now. Then we left. Legolas and Haldir were easy enough to get back into the VW. Aragorn and Boromir on the other hand took a little more convincing. I took each one, whispering in great detail, what Matt was actually thinking about doing to them. That seemed to work. They scrambled very ungracefully into the vehicle only too happy to get as far away from the fake king as possible. Before you go getting all defensive over how I'm treating Matt let me explain our relationship. I'll use characters from Will & Grace. He's Jack. I'm Karen. And we've been best friends since like sixth grade. Does that help ?  
  
Matt climbed into the passenger's seat beside me. He was still grinning wickedly with half formulated plans running through his mind. Oh, this was going to be fun. I love watching other people being tortured. That means the torturer would leave me alone.  
  
(A/N- My husband informed me there is no such thing as a minibus that its actually called a microbus. And I ask what is the difference ? He's also insisting that since this story has my friends in it that he should be in it since we met in college. Aaaarrrggghhh ! Fame seekers ! So be prepared to see my hubby (though we won't be married in the story) in future chapters if I feel like being nice. Now for the preview of the next chappie.  
  
Chapter 4- Brainwashing by Corporate Coffee Producing Monopolies  
  
Now Please review. Go on push the button. I know you're like me. You can't resist pressing little buttons to see what they do. Go on. Push it. 


	4. Brainwashing by coffee producing monopol...

Disclaimer- If I owned it I wouldn't have to fantasize.  
  
(A/N- Thank you as always to Nienna-yavetil and ZombieGurl98. I'm glad you guys like it and now here's an update. Yay me for not being lazy and procrastinating too much. And remember I love reviews they're like chocolate for me. Mmmmm...chocolate. And Nienna since you've reviewed like every chappie so far I'll mail Frodo to you at the end of the story.)  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Brainwashing by Corporate Coffee Producing Monopolies  
  
I pulled into my parking space (actually the bus died) to see complete and utter chaos. Mandy was chasing after four leprechauns threatening physical harm if they didn't stop. Betsy was huddled in her car while an old man wearing a pointy hat with an arrow through it was banging on the hood of her car with a long stick yelling ",I demand to be sent back to whence I came this instant."  
  
A short man weilding an axe was hacking away at a row of defenseless mailboxes. We all tumbled out of the bus. I could only gape at the mass destruction that was occuring. "Omanomanomanoman," Matt smacked me, sending me out of one babble and into another. "We're going to get evicted. My mom'll kill me then assume my identity so she can move into my dormroom and use my credit cards."  
  
"Calm down, Tina."  
  
I grabbed Matt's shirt in my hands on the verge of an anxiety attack. "Make sure my unfindable anonymous grave is in a nice place. I don't want my mom to dump me in the swamps for the alligators to snack on. I DON'T LIKE ALLIGATORS !"  
  
"Tina..."  
  
"MAKE SURE !"  
  
"Fine."  
  
"Thank you." I was calm now. "Now I'm gonna try to get their attention." I cleared my throat and took in a deep breath ",HEY MORONS !"  
  
All attention turned to me. The elves clutched their ears looking angry. Boromir and Aragorn had drawn their swords. Mandy and her four halflings froze in place. Betsy stopped being a coward. The old man looked at me questioningly. The only reason the dwarf stopped was because his axe was stuck.  
  
"Everyone follow her," Matt called, pointing to me.  
  
I led the way to my apartment and thank goodness everyone followed. Once I had secured the door to prevent any possible escapes I looked to the group. "Sit," I barked like a Marine drill seargent. All did as I said including my three friends. I sighed rolling my eyes in hopeless frustration. "Not you three morons. You come with me. We're having a tribal council."  
  
"Yea," Mandy clapped gleefully as the three of them followed me into the open kitchen ",We're going to vote someone off the island."  
  
"Lets vote Mandy off," Matt replied sarcastically.  
  
"Oh, oh, oh," Betsy was bouncing from foot to foot like a second grader who had to pee ",can I say the tribe has spoken ?"  
  
"No to everyone. Now, what are we going to do with these guys ?"  
  
"Boil 'em," Mandy cackled.  
  
"Roast 'em," Matt hissed.  
  
"Eat 'em raw," Betsy laughed manically.  
  
"Uhm, excuse me, but we can hear you," Pippin called.  
  
"My one moment of sanity and the rest of you have flipped." I stormed out of the kitchen looking at my guests. "I want all of you to tell me your names."  
  
"Peregrin Took but you can call me Pippin."  
  
"Meriadoc Bradybuck but everyone calls me Merry."  
  
"Frodo Baggins."  
  
Mandy and Betsy burst into the room giggling like mad school girls. "I know 'em. I know 'em," Mandy chanted. "That's Samwise Gamgee."  
  
"Aragorn and Boromir," Betsy interrupted.  
  
"Gimli and Gandalf," Mandy was drooling.  
  
Betsy was beginning to look a little rabid. "Legolas and... and... and..."  
  
"Haldir," the offended elf huffed.  
  
"Okay," I was becoming a little frightened now as I backed away from the two. I was starting to recognize the looks on their faces. Glazed eyes. Love stricken expressions. Drooling. A lot of drooling. It was the look of the dreaded fangirl. "Did you guys get hit with radiation and suddenly become Jean Grey ?"  
  
Mandy suddenly returned to normal (well, somewhat). She was still showing a very toothy grin. "You don't know who they are ?"  
  
Matt chose to come out to join us so he and I chimed in together ",No."  
  
"Its the fellowship."  
  
"Ya know, of the ring," Betsy was still drooling like she'd just had a lobotamy.  
  
Matt and I looked at each other before looking at the strangers then back to each other. Once again we echoed each other ",We haven't read that since sixth grade."  
  
"Tina," Mandy now thought she was talking to a three year old ",we watched the first two movies when they came out on video. I took you to the AMC when the third one came out."  
  
I didn't remember it. I have trouble with a lot of things like that. I turned to Betsy who was staring at Haldir thoughtfully.  
  
"I don't remember Haldir being a part of the fellowship."  
  
"Because I wasn't."  
  
The haughty elf stuck his nose up in the air and in reply Betsy mumbled several curses in Cajun that I had taught her. I smiled like a proud parent. Matt quickly caused me to frown though ",What are we going to do with them ? Where are they going to stay ?"  
  
"I demand you send us back to Middle Earth this instant," Gandalf boomed angrily.  
  
"Chill, Dandy Gandy. We can't send you back because we don't know how you got here." I thought hard for a moment (only a moment because it made me sleepy) then I asked ",How did you get here ?"  
  
Haldir was the first (of course) to respond. His eyes narrowed as he looked at the four of us and I knew he didn't trust us. "I was patrolling the western borders of my home. My sentry ended and I went to cross the river. The rope gave way. Instead of landing in the water I fell on top of your car."  
  
"I fell after the Balrog but darkness soon gave way to light. I landed on one of the inhabitants of Lady Betsy's abode," Gandalf replied, his heavy brows furrowed together.  
  
"We were searching for Frodo when we became seperated," Aragorn was lost in memory. "Orcs had found us. I drew my sword in preparation for battle but came face to face with King Matt."  
  
Mandy opened her mouth but I quickly clamped my hand over her face muffeling her smart comment.  
  
Boromir smiled, pleased with something. "I am glad for whatever sorcery brought us here. An orc arrow was flying towards my heart."  
  
I looked at the misplaced group with a small smile ",Well, I guess a trip to the mall is in order."  
  
"Like you need a reason to shop," Betsy smirked.  
  
Within half an hour we were in heaven, aka Mall of Louisiana. But the air there had changed. It seemed that danger was lurking in the shadows. Mallrats beware...fangirls now live here. No sooner had we stepped through the automatic doors we were swarmed by screaming pre-teens. But lucky for us fangirls can be easily decieved and distracted. Matt raised Gandalf's robes. The rabid girls stopped, gawked, then ran away screaming. That is when I noticed someone was missing ",Uhm, guys, where's Pippin ?"  
  
Pippin, who I will call fool of a Took from now on, had wandered into a Starbucks. The girl's behind the counter were happily feeding him shot after shot of expresso. I charged up to Pippin and started to drag him away. As he made every attempt to break free he began to twitch. "I want more. NO ! WAIT ! I have to have more. Must have. Can't live without !"  
  
The moral of the story: Never let a hobbit out of your sight. They will always find a Starbucks.  
  
Next Chapter: Hyper hobbits make great alarm clocks.  
  
Will Tina ever get over her memory loss and remember that Gollum fell into her world too ? Will Pippin's heart explode from an expresso overdose ? And what happens when the fellowship is taken to the French Quarter. 


	5. Hyper Hobbits Make Great Alarm Clocks

(Disclaimer- Do I really need to tell you that anyone from Lord of the Rings isn't mine. Well, it isn't. I just borrowed them and returned them in almost working condition.)  
  
(A/N- Guess what ? Dun dun dun. Its a long chapter. Sorry it took so long to update but I have these things called kids and a cold and a job because I have to make money to buy the kids useless things like toys [actually most of the toys are for me. yea ! Teen Titan action figures]. So I guess I should say that Nienna-yavetil inspired me for part of this one with the Wal-Mart scene in So Far, So Good. Well, here it goes. Oh, and if anyone has any input in who should get together in this one let me know when you review. And please, please on hands and knees review)  
  
Chapter 5  
  
Hyper Hobbits Make Great Alarm Clocks  
  
Do any of you know what its like taking a whole bunch of guys shopping ? Its like taking on a rabid dog. Now throw in the fact that these guys have no idea what a zipper is and one overly hyper hobbit. That is pure hell on earth.  
  
We went to Old Navy first to get the hobbits some clothes. Each of us took a hobbit. Mandy took Frodo. Betsy took Sam. Matt took Merry. I, unfortunately, had the spastic Pippin. I just wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. I randomly grabbed some clothes and drug Pippin to the nearest fitting room. I threw the clothes into the room and gently (Mandy: You threw him !) (cough), ahem, gently pushed him in saying ",Try those on."  
  
"I want some more of that drink those girls gave me," Pippin wailed.  
  
"Expresso ?" I sighed ",Fine, after we get everyone clothes."  
  
Of course I was lying but Pippin didn't have to know that. "Expresso ! Expresso ! Expresso," Pippin chanted, throwing his clothes over the fitting room door. I heard him shifting around pulling on clothes as my friends escorted their own charges into seperate changing rooms. Then I noticed there were no more sounds coming from Pippin ",Uhm, Lady Tina?"  
  
"Yes, fool of a, I mean, Pippin ?"  
  
"How do you fasten this clothing ?"  
  
I growled in frustration. I flung open the door only to slam it closed again immediately. "Aaaahhhh ! My eyes ! I'm blind."  
  
The six men we weren't shopping for came charging into the fitting area, reaching for weapons but remembering they had left them in the bus. Aragorn was the first to speak ",Lady Tina, what happened ?"  
  
I threw myself into his chest, clutching his tunic in my hands ",Oh ! It was horrible ! Pippin ! Clothes ! No pants. Hobbits have little---no mustn't think about that ! Have you people never heard of underwear !?" I sniffed as Aragorn patted my shoulder timidly. I looked up at him, making a foul face ",You need a shower. We'll deal with that later. Go help Pippin!"  
  
I opened the fitting room door and shoved Aragorn inside before quickly closing it again. I started to walk away when I heard Aragorn yelling ",For Valor's sake Pippin quit jumping about and put your pants on."  
  
After about twenty more minutes of waiting and deciding to find Gimli some clothes at Old Navy as well I finally completed the purchases for the hobbits and dwarf. The register beeped happily as it took up a good portion of my credit limit. I left the store sniffing sadly ",Four hundred dollars to dress five midgets. And we still have two elves, three men and a grocery store to go."  
  
"Don't forget the expresso," Pippin called happily.  
  
"No, mustn't forget the expresso. The evil expresso," I grumbled, leading the way into Structure. So here's how the rest of the mall expedition went: $700 in Structure, $300 in Dillards, $200 in Hot Topic, $150 in a random spa (the last two for myself of course), and an argument with my friends while in the process of racking up a grocery bill that would take me a year to pay off.  
  
"They should stay with you," Mandy growled, a very dangerous look on her face.  
  
"Why me," I yelled ",my apartment is the size of your room !"  
  
Betsy pushed Mandy out of the way and into a display before she herself yelled ",Because you mom's on vacation."  
  
People were starting to stare. People always stare at us. After all we were a strange bunch in a Wal-Mart Supercenter (well, stranger than most). Matt was turning in circles frantically looking for something as Mandy pulled herself out of the destroyed chip display. "Fine, they'll stay with me," I grumbled, pouting.  
  
Mandy and Betsy smiled triumphantly. "The guys are gone again," Matt stated matter-of-factly while still turning in circles.  
  
"Great ! At least there's no starbucks here," I huffed with a shudder. "Matt you take toys. I'll take electronics. Betsy you take clothes. Mandy you take food and the cart."  
  
"Why do I get the food section and the cart ?"  
  
"Because you're already here and we're not and you can get the rest of the food."  
  
"Oh, okay."  
  
By the time Mandy figured out that my reason made no sense we were already gone.  
  
Mandy's POV  
  
So I got stuck with the rest of the grocery shopping. (Mandy: By the way, evil, evil authoress for not letting me tell my side before. Southern Girl: Mrph mmm muph reph mehf. Mandy: What ? Oh, you didn't know until I knocked you out and tied you up ? blushes Sorry. Southern Girl: Gerf orf wfe iff. Mandy: What ? Get on with it ? Fine. Fine. Pushy bi--- Southern Girl: Lafague. Mandy: Shut up.)  
  
Anyway, I continued shopping. Bread. Bagels. Muffins. OJ. Oooooo, cheesecake. I finished up in the frozen/bread section and turned out of the aisle. (Southern Girl: This is boring. Mandy: It gets better. I think. pause Hey ! How did you get untied ?) No sooner had I turned out of the aisle I was hit from behind. I looked down to see Pippin on the ground with pizza stuck to his face and a plate in his lap. "Mandy ! Fancy meeting you here. Did you know they give away free food here ?"  
  
I looked up to see a very angry samples lady running towards us. I picked up Pippin and tossed him into the cart, taking off running. "Peregrin Took, what did you do ?"  
  
"Why does everyone ask me that ? The lady asked if I wanted to try something called pizza. So I took the plate to try it."  
  
"You're only suppose to take one."  
  
"One ? How am I suppose to know if I like it if I can only have one ?"  
  
I turned sharply onto the beer aisle nearly running Boromir and Gimli over. They were staring very intently at a six pack of long necks. "Beer," I moaned, nearly drooling.  
  
"Beer," the three asked.  
  
"Yeah." Blank stares all around. "You know ? Ale."  
  
A light of recognition. I loaded as many cases into the cart as I could. We then set off to find the others.  
  
Betsy's POV  
  
I had searched the clothing section two times. Two times ! What guy willing goes to look for clothes ? Especially a member of the fellowship. I'm sure they have more important things on their minds. So do I. Like how this was a complete waste of time. Oooooo, magazines. Hey, is that Legolas ? I walked over and of course he saw me coming. "Lady Betsy..."  
  
"Betsy."  
  
"Pardon ?"  
  
"Drop the lady. My name is just Betsy."  
  
"Betsy, this man looks like me." He was holding up some random teeny bopper magazine with Orlando Bloom on the cover. "Is he an elf ?"  
  
"Do you see pointy ears ?"  
  
"Well...no."  
  
"So that means...."  
  
"He is not an elf."  
  
Matt's POV  
  
I was cutting through jewelry to get to toys when I heard a loud crash. I ran to the noise to see Sam and Frodo in a pink Barbie jeep. They had crashed into a shelf. "Sam, I do not know how Lady Tina manages to do it. And in a much bigger one."  
  
"I suppose these things are not for us hobbit folk, Mister Frodo," Sam sighed, struggling to get out of the tiny passenger's seat.  
  
"I guess not. Though it was fun for a time."  
  
When they had both gotten out of the jeep I walked over to them. "Now what are you two up to."  
  
"Nothing," was Sam's reply ",nothing at all, Mister Matt. What's this now."  
  
Sam ran over to the action figure aisle stopping in front of the LOTR figures. "What is it, Sam," Frodo asked as he walked over to him.  
  
"It is a tiny carving of you Mister Frodo. And Strider. And Gimli. And Gandalf. And..."  
  
I cut in, trying not to laugh ",Everyone."  
  
Frodo's eyebrows puckered as he stated quite seriously ",I think I should like to purchase a few of these carvings."  
  
Tina's POV  
  
(Tina: Yea ! Back to me ! Finally ! Southern Girl: Attention hungry are we ? Tina: Youngest child. Southern Girl: That explains a lot. Tina: smiles Yeah. pause Hey !)  
  
I skidded to a halt in electronics, my mouth falling open. Gandalf was staring at the cordless phones. Merry was zombified in front of the TVs. Haldir was in the CD section looking quite snobby doing nothing. Aragorn was playing Return of the King. (Southern Girl: Figures. Tina: Hey ! I'm just a character here not the writer.)  
  
I walked over to Aragorn since he was in danger of being taken over by the dreaded boyfriend stealer. He looked down at me smiling which I of course returned. Then I frowned, seriously in thought ",There's something I need to tell you. I know its important."  
  
"Well...what is it ?"  
  
"I can't remember. Its about someone. Ah, well, I'm sure I'll remember it eventually."  
  
Aragorn returned to his game. I watched him for a moment, my fingers twitching like I was playing the game (its also a girlfriend stealer). "Lady Tina, are there many men named Aragorn here in your land ?"  
  
"No, just you."  
  
"But the man that I am controlling is named Aragorn."  
  
Crap ! How do I explain this one ? Luckily I didn't have to. Haldir let out a bloodcurdling (aka girly) scream. We ran over, joining Merry and Gandalf, to the music section. Haldir was staring at a pair of headphones in horror. "Those things attacked me. They released a most horrific sound."  
  
"Can we leave now," Mandy called, she looked highly annoyed. She must've found Pippin first.  
  
I looked over to the rest of the group surrounding an overflowing shopping cart. "Yes, I'm suddenly very tired."  
  
We checked out, charging a whopping $800 to one of my credit cards. Once home Mandy and I made dinner for everyone then figured out the sleeping arrangements. I got the couch (the horror !) while my three best friends go to go home to their own beds. After they left and the fellowship retired for the night I collapsed onto the couch for some much need rest.  
  
I groggily came out of my slumber feeling like I had just fallen asleep. What had woke me up ? I slowly opened my eyes to see another pair of eyes staring down at me. "Aaaaahhhhh,"  
  
I screamed as another voice did. I shot up accidentally head-butting the intruder of my personal space. I narrowed my eyes at the figure, trying very hard to suddenly mutate and have night vision. I finally gave up, flicking on the table lamp. I stared at the curly haired hobbit, sprawled on my living room floor , showing the signs of the beginning of a nice shiner. "Peregrin Took, why are you not asleep ?"  
  
"Why does everyone use my full name when I'm in trouble ?"  
  
"Why aren't you asleep Pippin ?"  
  
"Sleep ? What is this sleep you speak of ?"  
  
"Great ! You're still high on expresso."  
  
The rest of the fellowship then chose to join us, weapons drawn. "Lady Tina," Frodo yawned, then snapped awake, looking at my forehead ",how did you injure yourself ?"  
  
I felt the huge knot on my forehead while pointing at Pippin but soon found myself cowering in fear as a scream ripped through the air outside of the apartment. The front door with all of its locks suddenly didn't seem like enough protection from the outside world. Maybe I could buy something in the way of six inch thick solid steel. I wonder if they could install it tomorrow ? "Gollum," Sam hissed, his eyes narrowing at one of the windows.  
  
"That's it," I cried out in triumph looking at Aragorn. "That's what I had to tell you."  
  
"A little late but now we know," Gandalf sighed. "Aragorn and I will keep watch for the rest of the night. Lady Tina..."  
  
"Just Tina, please."  
  
"Tina, you may join the hobbits so we will not disturb you."  
  
"I think I'd feel safer with the elves but okay."  
  
And with that we went back to bed but I didn't dare go back to sleep. After all there was an overly hyper hobbit on the loose.  
  
(A/N- This chapter is finally finished. I was at Best Buy a few days ago wishing I had enough money to buy the collector's set of TTT when I found something that caused me to roll on the ground I was laughing so hard. They have a movie called Lord of the Strings. Its about these four Throbbits (they are girls) who have to take the dreaded thong of power and destroy it in the fires of Mount Party Pooper. I'm not lying this really exists. I swear. Anyway for a preview of our next chappie:  
  
Chapter 6  
  
Band Practice and French Quarter Debauchery  
  
Tina has band practice. Will she make it ? And the fellowship is taken by the four friends to the French Quarter. Will they have heart attacks from all of the indecency ? 


	6. Chapter 6

(A/N- (laughing and crying) Throbbits ! Lord of the Strings ! Hahahahah....(looks out at audience and pulls self together) Sorry about that. Temporary lapse of sanity. And now instead of a disclaimer I give you Merry and Pippin with a song.)  
  
Pippin- Its a rap.  
  
Merry- Already ?  
  
Pippin- No. The song is called a rap.  
  
SG- (rolling eyes) Get on with it.  
  
Pippin and Merry- (bouncing to an invisible beat) Its just one of those days when you don't wanna get up...  
  
SG- This seems familiar.  
  
Pippin and Merry- Everything is f!#$%ed, everybody sucks, you don't really know why but you wanna justify rippin' someone's head off...  
  
SG- (screaming) STOP ! STOP !  
  
Merry- (innocent look) What ?  
  
SG- No more rapping. See if I ever let you two do anything in these stories again. No body out there wants to think that you two know the kind of words in those songs. And for the last time stay away from my bloody CDs. (stomps off)  
  
Merry and Pippin- Well, now that she's gone. Southern Girl owns nothing that you recognize. She owns herself and her friends own themselves and all of them own a few things worth nothing. Southern Girl does have a little girl who is half demon. Tina's bandmates own themselves and rent their instruments. And we all hope Kevin and Courtney were sold into slavery. Now on with the story.  
  
Chapter 6  
  
Band Practice and New Orleans Debauchery  
  
I was cooking breakfast, with Sam's help, while trying not to fall asleep. After all skillet burns wouldn't help my delicate features. (SG: lol Delicate features. (snort) Tina: Shut up.) The phone ringing jerked me back into reality, saving me from a nice face flop into the eggs. I reached for the phone only to find it wasn't on its base. I looked around frantically but froze in horror when I heard someone answer it. "Hullo ? Yes, Tina's here. Who am I ? I am Peregrin Took but many people call me Pippin or even Pip. Now who is this ? Tina's mother. Well, it is a pleasure to talk to the lady who mush have labored long and hard to bear Tina. What ? Oh, uh-huh. Yes. Yes. Yes. Good day, Lady, uhm, Tina's mom."  
  
Pippin hung up the phone then looked up at me smiling brightly while I looked around for something to hang myself with. "My mom's gonna kill me."  
  
"Your mother was calling to check up on you. She asked me to tell you that she will be unreachable until she returns which won't be until you've gone back to school."  
  
"Figures," I mumbled sarcastically with a smirk.  
  
"And she also said to quit taking in stray dogs. You have a dog ? How come we haven't seen it ?"  
  
I snorted as I tried, but failed, to hold back my laughter. Sam began handing out plates loaded to capacity wtih food. Pippin looked up at me curiously. "Well, why haven't we seen this stray dog ?"  
  
"I believe Tina's mother was referring to us young Pippin," Aragorn laughed.  
  
"I am no dog," Haldir ground out from his clenched teeth.  
  
"Oh, shut up," we all yelled at him.  
  
I dug into the food that Sam handed me managing a smile in thanks between bites. The phone rang again and I went to answer it only to find that yet again it was not where I had left it. Once again another familiar voice answered it. "Hello ? Yes she's here but she's eating at the moment." Merry looked up at me, beaming innocently. "Kind of reminds me of a hobbit the way she eats. Who is this ? Jacob, eh ? I'm Merry. No, not Mary. Merry. Oh, forget it. Just call me Meriadoc. Band practice today ? Tell me what is this band and why do you need to practice it ?"  
  
"I'm going to kill Pippin first and then you, Merry."  
  
Merry just looked confused as he handed me the phone. "He was laughing and then there was no more sound. Very strange things you have here."  
  
The phone rang again (I have a very busy phone) and I answered it before the first ring ended. "Hello, Jacob ?"  
  
"Tina," Jacob yelled ",I have been trying to call you since yesterday."  
  
"Well, I've been a little busy," I sighed, looking at the group.  
  
"With that Mary guy ? Is he confused about his gender ? And what about Kevin ?"  
  
"His name is Merry as in Merry Christmas. And no I wasn't with him. And what did Kevin tell you ?"  
  
There was a long silence on Jacob's end. Just when I was getting ready to hang up he answered ",Not too much. Said you guys got hot and heavy a few days ago."  
  
"And in guy speak that means Kevin said we had sex."  
  
"No he didn't."  
  
"You're an awful liar Jacob, even over the phone."  
  
"Well," Jacob hesitated. I could just picture his face all scrunched up in thought. "Did you ?"  
  
"No." Now it was my turn to pause. "'Sides if I did don't you think I would be the one telling you and not Kevin ?"  
  
"Yeah," he sighed. "Now I'm changing the subject."  
  
"Good."  
  
"Band practice today. Around one fine for you ?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"We've got a new place to practice. Don't ask me how Steven managed to do it but he got us the lecture hall."  
  
"I'll see you there Jacob," I laughed before hanging up the phone. I looked to the dirty men sitting in my tiny living room. "First things first. All of you need a shower. Then off to rehersals and then a night of madness in the French Quarter."  
  
"I believe finding Gollum should come first," Gandalf stated seriously.  
  
"No, practice and party," I said, equally as serious. "Gollum will do nothing but wail and scream for at least two more days. Now, Aragorn, you shower first."  
  
"I agree with Gandalf."  
  
"No...you...don't." The look I gave him could've killed, if I wanted it to.  
  
"You're right. I don't."  
  
"Coward," Haldir muttered.  
  
Aragorn shot Haldir hos own look before following me to the bathroom. "Alright, listen closely because I'll only go through this once. This is a shower. Those knobs turn the water on and off. That is soap. It makes all of the nasty dirt go away. This is shampoo. It makes your hair all pretty. There are towels in that cabinet." I started to walk out but turned around to say one final thing ",Oh, and you take your clothes off before you get in."  
  
"I know that."  
  
I went through the same process with the others only getting trouble from Haldir who, was of course, last. "Elves do not need to bathe."  
  
"In my house they do," I shot back, more than a little annoyed with him.  
  
"Then perhaps I should not stay."  
  
"Fine by me. I have been nothing but nice to you but you're being a jerk."  
  
"Nice," he sputtered. "You call this nice !"  
  
A voice from the bathroom door interrupted us ",Haldir, Tina has been most gracious to us. She has given us shelter when there was not much room. She has bought us clothing and has explained the things we needed to know of her realm. The least you could do is comply with this one request."  
  
Haldir glared at Legolas over my shoulder before huffing out ",Fine. For you, my friend, I will do this."  
  
I smiled in triumph before turning and leaving the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I looked up to Legolas ",Thank you."  
  
I walked with him the short distance into the living room. The rest of the fellowship were watching Teen Titans. "Oooo, I like this one. This is the one where no one wants to hang out with Beast Boy and he gets kidnapped by an alien."  
  
"What is an alien," Gimli asked.  
  
"Someone from outer space," I replied in a monotone as the TV's power already had me. I was close to the drooling state when I heard Haldir leave the bathroom. "Yea, my turn."  
  
I took a very short (emphasis on short) shower because the hot water was non-existant. I ran from the bathroom into my room making sure that if any of the guys saw me all they saw was a blur because I was only wearing a towel. A fashion statement, yes. But has little in the way of coverage. I dressed as fast as I could in my favorite pair of low rise jeans, Pumas and a camo shirt that read: Ha! Can't see me now ! I had the shirt over my head when someone cleared their throat. It was Gandalf. "You're on the verge of dirty old man status, Gandalf."  
  
"But...I have just bathed."  
  
I rolled my eyes, muttering ",Nevermind. Did you need something ?"  
  
"I will not be accompanying you today. I am an old man and cannot possibly keep up with my younger counterparts."  
  
I choked back my laughter. "And what are you going to do while we're gone ?"  
  
"I wish to learn more about your world. Perhaps with that device." I followed his gaze to my computer. I signed on to the internet so he wouldn't destroy the overly priced machine trying to do it. "Thank you, Tina."  
  
"Have fun. Though not as much fun as us."  
  
I herded all of the guys out of my extremely small apartment and we all took in a deep breath of fresh air. "Well, Mister Frodo, I never thought I'd be so glad to get out of there." Sam looked up at me sheepishly ",Beggin' your pardon, of course, Miss Tina."  
  
"No offense taken, Sam. The place gets to me too."  
  
Haldir was muttering something to himself but I caught something that sounded like ",I'd rather sleep in a tree."  
  
I swung around to face him (actually to look up at him) ",That can be arranged you ungrateful elf. Of course you would be tied to the tree that I let Gimli cut down."  
  
Legolas elbowed Haldir sharply in the ribs as Aragorn bellowed ",Need we keep reminding you to bite your tongue ?"  
  
Haldir opened his mouth but quickly shut it again. We all piled into the bus setting off into the wild blue yonder. In reality we were on our way to SLU in Hammond (aka: the Hellmouth).  
  
It was 45 minutes of pure torture trapped in a car older than me with no A/C. But we made it with very little physical or psychological harm. I led the way into the lecture hall where my boys, the rest of our band Pocket Full of Strange, were setting up. My boys. Man had I missed them. I sprinted across the room, jumping onstage, before pouncing on Jacob. "I missed you ! I missed you ! I missed you !"  
  
"Its only been a week."  
  
"That's a long time to me."  
  
"Tina ?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I need to breathe."  
  
"Sorry," I said, getting off of him and giving him a big ole kiss. I bounded across the stage jumping on Steven's back in a bear hug, kissing his cheek ",Hello, my empty headed angel."  
  
"Hi, my demon in combat boots. You brought your own groupies this time ?"  
  
"Groupies ?" I looked to the fellowship who were standing in the middle of the main aisle. "No. They still have yet to realize the wonderous glory that is me."  
  
I let go of Steven then in turn tackled my other three bandmates: Faber, Joel, and Jonothan. I heard the lecture hall doors open and looked up to see Mandy, Betsy, and Matt ushering the fellowship to some seats. Jacob decided to get out attention by sending some feedback through our system. It didn't bother us but our PA guy looked pissed and as a matter of fact so did the elves. "So Tina," Jacob said into his mic ",who are your new friends who your old friends have never met before ?"  
  
I ran up to my own microphone, jumping up and down like a little kid ",You guys are gonna sooooooo get a kick out of this. That's Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Boromir, Merry, Pippin, Frodo, Sam, and Haldir."  
  
The guys burst out laughing. Faber was the first one to pull himself together ",If anyone else had told us that we would think they were crazy."  
  
Mandy's POV  
  
(Drool) There's Jacob. He's soooooo hot ! "How can you tell he is ill from this distance," Boromir asked.  
  
Great ! I said that out loud ! "You're still doing it," Boromir sighed.  
  
Where was I ? Oh, right. Jacob is soooooo hot ! Blonde spiky hair, a perfect face, great green eyes, and a body to die for. But, alas ! He doesn't even know I exist. He's Tina's boy. They're all Tina's boys. And they see nothing beyond her and the band. Some girl's have all the luck.  
  
Betsy leaned in close to my ear ",You can't deny the fact that the other guys are hot too."  
  
"You are so right. They all have something."  
  
"Like, Joel has the perfect smile and is the spontaneous one."  
  
Matt butted in then ",Steven's the face and the artistic one."  
  
"Faber has the eyes and is the shy one," I continued.  
  
"Jonothan has the body and is the guy's guy," Matt drooled.  
  
"And Jacob," we all chimed ",Jacob is everything rolled into one and a bad boy, too."  
  
"Hey," Tina yelled into her mic ",if you three are done can we get started ?"  
  
I want to melt into a puddle and evaporate right now. I handed ear plugs to the elves ",You're gonna need these."  
  
Jacob began the first chords of Silver and Cold. Sunlight flooded the main aisle. I looked back to see Tina's crush and current boyfriend Kevin walk in with the human version of the boyfriend stealer, Courtney. "What does she see in him," Betsy asked.  
  
"Has something to do with the way he talks," Matt yawned as Tina began to sing. Betsy and I laughed like wild hyenas as even more people waltzed into the lecture hall. They were even more dreaded than the fan girl. It was the before they become famous groupies. I decided to not pay any attention to them because Tina's expression was much more interesting. She had just noticed Kevin and Courtney. The look went from surprise, to murderous, to....man, she's being the better person. What fun is that ? "Mandy," Haldir whispered into my ear ",what is this called ?"  
  
"Music. This is our music."  
  
"Then I gues it is good by your standards."  
  
"I'm sure Tina would love to know you approve." Sarcasm, how I love thee.  
  
"Who is the edan Tina is singing to," Legolas asked with a scowl.  
  
"Kevin, the boyfriend."  
  
"She behaves...." Haldir was deep in thought. I think he was actually looking for the right words. "Oddly towards him."  
  
"She's ready to rip his head off," Matt answered for me.  
  
Haldir turned back to stare at Tina. I sighed heavily. I love Tina to death but I hate the fact that her aura draws men in. Why can't I have that ? I looked at Haldir but caught Boromir staring before he quickly looked away with a blush. I arched an eyebrow in curiosity. Haldir, the never ending questioner, asked yet another question ",Does she treat all of her friends that way ?"  
  
"No," Betsy exclaimed coming to Tina's defense. "Only Kevin. See he started out dating Tina a year ago."  
  
Matt jumped in then ",Kevin broke it off to get laid by Courtney. A couple of months later he crawled back to Tina."  
  
"The moron took him back," I mumbled. "So you can see why she's a little miffed right now."  
  
"Mister Frodo, how do you get laid ?"  
  
As Sam asked this the song ended and Sam's voice echoed off the walls. We burst into laughter as the band began a cover of Maps.  
  
Tina's POV  
  
That spoiled rich prat had the nerve to come here with her ? Arrrrgggghhhhh ! Jacob looked at me asking if I was alright with his eyes. I nodded continuing to sing. Two songs later Kevin and Courtney left. After practicing our set we ended the practice. Jacob leapt off stage before talking to us ",Remember, we have a show in a week at Augustine's. We'll meet at Tina's at seven."  
  
I bounced off stage to my friends ",Alright everyone. To my dorm room then off to the Big Easy. You three comin' ?"  
  
"We'll meet you there," Mandy said as the three left the hall.  
  
The fellowship and I left the room driving to my dorm room. I walked up the stairs and down the walkway to my door. I went to unlock the door but it opened of its own accord. Or so I thought. I looked up to see Jacob standing there with a concerned look plastered to his face. "A little early aren't you Jacob ?"  
  
"I was in the neighborhood."  
  
I raised my eyebrows at him ",Uh-huh. Can I enter my own room ?"  
  
"Huh ? Oh, yeah. Sorry."  
  
We crammed into my room and I immediately went to my closet. I was pulling out my "perfect" outfit for tonight. "Who let you in ?"  
  
"Amy."  
  
I whipped around so fast that I stumbled ",Amy ? As in psycho fan girl Amy ?"  
  
"Don't worry. Your little fellowship ain't in any danger. She went out."  
  
"Good."  
  
I grabbed my clothes and started for the bathroom only to notice Jacob was in my way. "Where are you goin' ?"  
  
"To change my clothes, J. What is with you ?"  
  
"You don't wanna go into that nasty bathroom. Change in here."  
  
"If the lady wishes to enter the bathroom," Haldir growled dangerously ",then she shall."  
  
"Step aside," Legolas stated.  
  
Wow ! I have two elves who didn't like me five minutes ago defending me. Cool ! Jacob moved out of the way, mumbling ",And you guys are suppose to be her friends."  
  
I opened the bathroom door to the bathroom that I shared with psycho fangirl Amy only to be greeted by a loudly moaned ",Yes, Kevin."  
  
I slammed the door closed again and no one in my room existed to me anymore. I flung my clothing off, pulling on my new outfit while muttering ",I shoulda known. Rat bastard. Always cheats. I hate men." I pulled my hair up in a ponytail and then looked up. My timelost friends stood there in shock while Jacob looked on unfazed ",Are you comin', J ?"  
  
"I'll pass. I have an appointment with a living punching bag."  
  
"Always my hero."  
  
The ten of us once again set out on the road for an unforgettable night.  
  
30 Mins. Later...  
  
I flung my arms out in a broad gesture, a smile on my face exclaiming ",Welcome to New Orleans, boys. Home of the never ending party."  
  
Next chapter:  
  
Hey ho, Hey ho, its off to New Orleans I go  
  
Special guest appearance by Nienna-yavetil. Lost hobbits. Drunk men. Elves in a strip club. And Tina drowning her sorrows with much hilarity. Damn Kevin, she's gonna have fun anyway.  
  
Later 


	7. Interlude One, Uno, UneWhatever

Interlude One, Uno, Une, Neo, whatever  
  
SouthernGirl: Hello everyone ! This is just a little bit of randomness to explain a few things in the story.  
  
Boromir (looks confused): How can it be random if it explains something ?  
  
SG: I have orcs on speed dial.  
  
Boromir: ....  
  
SG: Now on to the things all college students must do before graduating and having to be a grown-up (aka: the real world).  
  
Frodo: Couldn't this also be applied to high school too ?  
  
SG: Some of it I guess.  
  
Sam (joining Frodo, Boromir and SG): What about middle school ?  
  
SG (a funny look on face): No, too young. Now on with the program presented by me and the Fellowship.  
  
(Everyone joins SG except Gandalf.)  
  
Gandalf (far away): I'm not doing this.  
  
SG (shrugging): Fine. You're due for a dream sequence in Misplaced anyway.  
  
Gandalf (muttering): Nothing worse that a power hungry author unless its the angst ridden teens they create.  
  
SG (yelling): I heard that.  
  
Haldir: Can we get on with this ? I have my own appearances to make.  
  
SG (sigh): Just go.  
  
(Haldir leaves with Gandalf.)  
  
SG (looking at the fellowship): Who's first ?  
  
Aragorn: I believe I am. (clears throat and continues to speak in a kingly voice) Get tattooed and pierced or both.  
  
SG: YES ! Rage against conformity while secretly joining its ranks. But please, please, I can't stress this enough, please do us body modifiers a big favor. Don't get anything tattooed on you that is: a) smaller than a silver dollar unless it is a part of a bigger piece and b) a campy cartoon character that you picked out on a whim. And as far as piercings go do not get that cutesy little nostril piercing its annoying and completely defeats the purpose of getting a piercing. NEXT !  
  
Boromir: Join a band.  
  
SG: I was in a band once. For all of five minutes until I realized there is no such thing as instant fame. That only happens in the movies.  
  
Merry: Or on the OC. NEXT !  
  
SG: Hey ! That's my line.  
  
Merry: Sorry.  
  
SG: Its okay. NEXT !  
  
Gimli (smiling happily): This I could definately get behind. Party like every day is the last.  
  
SG: Now here's the disclaimer. (turns serious) Since I am a parent now it has become one of my many duties as an adult to say the following things. I do not nor have I ever endorsed underage drinking or other illegal activities. And if you do drink don't drive. Call a cab. There ! Mature moment over. You can all let it out.  
  
(Everyone bursts out laughing.)  
  
SG (wiping eyes, still laughing): Wooo ! NEXT !  
  
Sam (frowning): This one is just dumb. (SG glares. Sam looks uncomfortable) Rot your brain with television.  
  
SG: Forget that term paper on the mating habits of the soft shell crab. Turn on generation Y's babysitter. Watch millions of acts of violence and sex. Absorb thousand of hours of useless information. Look at the wonders it did for Pippin.  
  
Pippin (staring blankly and drooling): Umpa lumpa. I'll take Quinten Terrantino for a thousand. I'll use a lifeline. Rubber ducky you're the one....  
  
SG: NEXT !  
  
Frodo (confused): Fall in love...a lot.  
  
SG: Fall in love. Get your heart broken. Repeat. (pause) And repeat. (pause) And repeat. Continue repeating until you become completely jaded towards anyone and everyone including your one true love. Then spend angst ridden days and nightmare filled nights together. Reproduce. Continue the cycle. Ain't love grand ? NEXT !  
  
Legolas (covering ears): No need to yell. Anyway, get a credit card.  
  
SG: Credit cards. Plural. Who needs a house or a car in the future ? Step one look at credit cards in wonder. Step two check your credit limit. Step three buy useless things to your heart's content. Step four forget to pay the bills with your non-existent paycheck. Step five when credit companies start calling wanting their money shift the blame onto them for giving an immature child said credity cards. Its the American way. NEXT !  
  
Merry: Make friends with fictitional people.  
  
SG: Nothing says mid-term nervous breakdown like a conversation with a bunch of characters from a best selling trilogy.  
  
Fellowship (offended): HEY !  
  
SG: And finally....  
  
Pippin: Change your major.  
  
SG: All parents want their kids to be doctors or lawyers. Follow the tradition of all the youth before you and change your major to something guaranteed to never get you a job. Such as Latin or philosophy. Follow this guide and you're guaranteed to have many argument filled holidays for an eternity. I should know because not only am I the founder....  
  
Pippin (drooling again, completely zombified): What is she's also a client, Alex ?  
  
(A/N: Seriously though, don't drink and drive. It's against the law.) 


	8. Yo ho ! Yo ho ! Its off to New Orleans...

A/N-Whew. Finally got this chapter out. And guess what ? I got another chapter right after this one. So here's Legolas to read my disclaimer.  
  
Legolas: These are the things that Tina doesn't own. LotR, her friends, New Orleans, The Rainbow or the Pub, Tricous, Jack Daniels, or Mind Erasers. Jem belongs to Australia. She also doesn't own Hammond, Zachary, or SLU. Now do us all a favor and please review.  
  
Chapter 7  
  
Yo ho ! Yo ho ! Its off to New Orleans I go...  
  
Haldir's POV  
  
"Welcome to New Orleans boys ! Home of the never ending party", Tina exclaimed, gesturing to the chaos before us. I was in shock but not from the scene in front of me. I had more important matters on my mind. Skin ! Lots of skin ! Smooth skin. Skin that looked soft to the touch. Sking that was currently being covered by very little clothing. The skin that made up Tina. The Tina who was currently waving her hands wildly in front of my face. "Hellooooo! Is there anybody there ? If not can someone take a message ?"  
  
I grabbed her flailing hands in my own, looking down at her ,"Must you always behave in such a manner ?"  
  
"Jerk", she muttered before pulling away. I think that was one of her many insults towards me. Tina turned to look at everyone else ,"Come on guys. We have to walk before we get to the real party."  
  
Tina's POV  
  
Phew ! I am so glad that I managed to find shoes big enough to fit the hobbits' feet. No matter how tough their feet may be I'm sure the trash in the gutters would've hurt them. I led the way through the streets until we finally stood on the brink of Bourbon Street. Here we paused to take in the capacity crowd that filled the street and the numerous balconies above. I don't even think the word shock could describe the looks on their faces. "I'll be back", I called, running towards the nearest drink booth. The old man looked at me and he was in an obvious bad mood. "Large 151 with an extra shot."  
  
He poured the drink and I paid for it before going back to my group. I took a large pull of the slush through the straw, grimmacing at the burn down my throat. A few more of them and I wouldn't even know what a burn was. I handed Aragorn the drink first ,"We can share this until we get to the bar. My goal tonight is to see if I can get the elves drunk."  
  
"I can say with certainty that it will not",Haldir stated flatly.  
  
I smiled my sweetest smile at him,"Oh, we'll see about that, elf."  
  
Aragorn took a drink and quickly turned red as he swallowed.. He handed the drink to Legolas. "Tina may reach her goal tonight."  
  
The guys continued to pass the drink around as we walked down Bourbon Street. We would've reached our destination sooner if I didn't have to keep dragging the hobbits away from some of the less savory (cough) adult (cough) bars. We finally reached Tricou's but was stopped at the stairs leading up to the bar by the bouncer, Henry. "Sorry, Tina. You know the rules. No kids upstairs."  
  
"Kids ? What kids ?" Henry nodded his head towards the hobbits. I immediately began laughing. "You gotta be kiddin' me. Those aren't kids. They're friends of mine in town for the dwarfism convention and they are way beyond legal."  
  
"Then they wouldn't mind showin' ID."  
  
I balked. Damn, he would have to ask for IDs. "Henry, this is the city of no ID, no problem."  
  
"Not here."  
  
"Henry, how old am I", I asked, smiling up at the larger than life man.  
  
"Not old enough to drink but that's different."  
  
I pulled out my wallet ,"Fine. How 'bout fifty bucks and you look the other way."  
  
"That'll do but if there's a raid I never saw you."  
  
I handed over the money reluctantly. After all, money is rare for a college student. I let the way to the nearly empty bar upstairs. As I stood there gawking in disbelief Boromir shoved the drink back into my hands, snapping me out of it. "Well, its about time I got it back."  
  
I took a long pull from the straw and got nothing but a mouthful of air. I moved the straw around. Shook the styrofoam cup from side to side. Sucked on the straw again. Air. I looked at Aragorn and Boromir who could only smile strangely at me. Maybe introducing them to Bacardi wasn't such a good idea. Then again, the evil side of me seemed to think it was great. "Okay", I sighed, somewhat depressed ,"You guys go wait out on the balcony and I'll be out in a second."  
  
Brad, the current bartender/owner, smiled at me as I walked up to the bar. He raised an eyebrow at me when I leaned on the old mahogany bar. "And what are you going out and about this early."  
  
"I decided to get an early start on the night. 'Sides I have some friends in town I wanted to show around."  
  
"So same set up as last time ?" Brad motioned for the lone waitress, Janelle to come over. "You fill this bar up and you guys drink free all night."  
  
"Your bar'll be full in no time." I turned to Janelle, placing our order. "Five whiskey shooters and five minderasers. And keep 'em comin'."  
  
I walked out on the balcony feeling slightly bad that I couldn't order anything for the hobbits. All of the guys turned, staring at me oddly. "The people here behave quite odd", Legolas replied.  
  
Haldir smirked down at me ,"Not unlike you."  
  
"Keep it up, elf. Just keep it up and see what happens", I hissed up at him.  
  
"I can't wait."  
  
Someone cleared their throat and we all turned as one to see Janelle smirking, holding a full tray of drinks. "Aren't you suppose to be earning these ?"  
  
"Drink first", I smiled, greedily grabbing a shot ,"work after."  
  
I handed the elves, men, and dwarf their own shots. I quickly downed mine and the others followed suit. I then distributed the minderasers. Janelle left as I started earning our drinks. I was calling people up rather loudly while flipping off the ones that asked me to flash. The bar was half way to capacity when I felt a tug on my short skirt. It was Pippin who looked quite depressed. "Where are our drinks", he whined. "We haven't had a good ale in a long time."  
  
"You four drank a whole case of beer last night."  
  
"Yes", Merry popped in ,"we did. But what Pippin said was that we haven't had a good ale in a long time."  
  
I crouched down so I could look directly at the hobbits. "I'm sorry guys. No beer tonight. We can't run the risk of ending up in jail tonight." I shuddered at a particularly bad memory before whispering ,"Jail is bad."  
  
Boromir pulled me back up straight. He pointed down to a group of girls all screaming up to them. "Why do they ask us to flash ?"  
  
"They want to see your goods."  
  
"Goods ?" The look on his face was priceless.  
  
"You know."  
  
"No, I don't."  
  
I leaned up, whispering the information into his ear. His expression got even more distorted. I couldn't help but to burst out laughing. "Just don't do it. You might scare them."  
  
Janelle brought out more drinks which the guys immediately grabbed. Janelle managed a tenative smile at the group before turning to me ,"Your partners in crime are here."  
  
As if on cue Matt, Betsy and Mandy burst out onto the balcony. They, of course, had their own drinks in hand. "All of your boys are here", Mandy giggled.  
  
"All of them ?"  
  
Mandy's face fell and she pouted quite pathetically. "Except Jacob."  
  
"Don't worry, Mandy." I felt for my friend. I really did. I completely knew how it felt to have a crush and the other person not feel the same. "He knows you're there. It just takes him time to....HEY !"  
  
Boromir had knocked me out of the way to talk to Mandy. I couldn't hear what they were talking about over the music but Mandy now looked extremely happy. "Jacob who", I thought to myself before Matt grabbed my ear. I began yelping ,"OW ! OW! What you jerk ?"  
  
"Lets go to the Rainbow. They're having a drag show tonight."  
  
"No", Betsy yelled over the music ,"The Pub. They have better music."  
  
I was going to have to be the voice of reason for the two. AGAIN ! Out of the four of us you would never guess that I was the youngest. "How about some dancing at the Pub first then catch the last half of the show at the Rainbow."  
  
"Fine", the two echoed each other.  
  
Then I saw him. Well, it was kind of hard to miss this Adonis since he was standing directly in front of me. "Hello, beauty, and who are you", he asked in this thick Australian accent. I love accents !!  
  
"Tina. And you ?"  
  
"Jem." He ran a finger over my shoulder just under the strap of my tank top. I failed to notice the murderous looks the guys were giving the Australian god of a man. I failed to notice that I wasn't breathing. Hell, I even didn't realize that he was touching my shoulder. If I wasn't a little tipsy I would've clobbered him right then and there for having the balls to touch me.  
  
"My friends and I are going down to the Pub. Wanna come with ?"  
  
"I'd follow you anywhere."  
  
Okay, through the haze of my brain I could tell he was feeding me a line of B.S. And man was it thick. I pulled Jem through the bar and down the stairs leaving my large group of friends no choice but to follow. Once in the maddness of the street all of us pushed our way to the far end of the street and into the pub. Well, not really. We stopped to talk to some people outside of the bar first. The conversation consisted of my bandmates that were present running the sexy Austrailian off with a few choice threats. Once they had finished that task we set about talking. If I'd been remotely sober I would've known something wasn't right. That something was missing. But it was Steven who brought it to my attention first. "Are you drunk", he asked, leaning in to my ear.  
  
"NO !"  
  
"Then you're blind. Your fellowship has wandered off."  
  
OH NO ! The Fellowship on the loose in New Orleans ? Alone ! This couldn't be good.  
  
Nienna's POV  
  
"Don't you think we should be makin' our way back Mister Frodo", I heard from my vantage point.  
  
I peered down from the branch I was currently occupying to see four very short boys standing on the other side of my house's front gate. Another curly haired boy spoke,"Sam's got a point. We've walked rather far. Perhaps Tina has managed to get us some beer."  
  
Frodo ? Sam ? And Tina ? Yay, Tina is in town but more importantly....  
  
"Hobbits", I screamed, losing my balance and falling out of the tree. I landed with a nice sounding whump. I stood up and peered over the short fence. Four sets of eyes stared cautiously back at me. "Hello hobbits. Are you talkin' 'bout Tina Baker ?"  
  
"Yes. You know her", Frodo asked.  
  
I snorted,"Who doesn't ?"  
  
"I am Frodo. And this is Sam, Merry and Pippin."  
  
"I'm Nienna. Come on in and I'll call Tina." I said that while thinking to myself ,"Eventually."  
  
Tina's POV  
  
The fifth bar we searched was the jackpot. Actually, only half the jackpot. Aragorn and Boromir were the first ones we found and boy had they been busy. There were two half empty bottles of Jack Daniels and a pair of shot glasses in front of them. Aragorn noticed we were there and he called out,"Come my friends. Join us in drink."  
  
Ah hell ! The elves can wait. 


	9. Pippin drives Nienna crazy

A/N- (trumpets play in background very off key) And now more with our special guest star (very bad drum roll) Nienna-yavetil  
  
Chapter 8  
  
Pippin drives Nienna crazy  
  
Nienna's POV  
  
The hobbits had been at my house for only an hour and they had already eaten all of the food in my parents' kitchen. We had moved on to watch some television after that. Only a few minutes into My So-Called Life Pippin was already bored. "Nienna...."  
  
"What Pippin ?"  
  
"What is the grass green ?"  
  
"Because that's its favorite color."  
  
"Why is the sky blue ?"  
  
I sighed,"Because it was depressed."  
  
"Oh." Pippin was quiet for a few moments. "If you drink Pepsi in the Coke factory will they fire you ?"  
  
"Probably." What is the freaking point of this ?  
  
"If cupid is good at matchmaking does he have a girlfriend ?"  
  
"No", I answered flatly,"he's never at home."  
  
"Nienna ?" I growled in response. "Why do they put Canadian bacon on Hawiian pizza ?"  
  
"To improve international relations."  
  
Pippin was making me miss my show !!! Wait !!! How did Angela end up kissing Jordan ? Now I'll never know.  
  
"Why isn't sour cream really sour ?"  
  
I just stared at Pippin.  
  
"Can a narcoleptic have insomnia ?"  
  
I balled my hands into fists. Pippin continued like he had no idea I was going to pound him. "If a 911 operator has a heart attack who do they call ? Can vampired donate blood ? Do fish ever get thirsty ? Why can't we sneeze with our eyes open ? Can angels eat devil's food cake. Do stairs go up or down ?"  
  
My head was beginning to hurt. I began to wonder if the pain would go away if I banged my head against the wall. Pippin just went on and on and on and ......  
  
"Can mute people burp? Isn't Disney world a human trap operated by a mouse? Why is a square meal served on a round plate ? Why do all superheroes wear spandex ? Why are Pringles curved ? What happens if your snot freezes in your nose ? What did cured ham actually have ? Can a blind man see his future ? What are you doing, Nienna ?"  
  
I was currently slamming my head into the defenseless wall, repeatedly. "Trying to make it all go away, Pippin."  
  
"Oh." Pippin shrugged like this was normal. "Why do people who don't want to go to hell bury themselves six feet closer ? Why do...."  
  
Oh, God, please let me knock myself out.  
  
A/N-before you even say it, yes I got most of the questions from bored.com. Some my daughter actually asked me much in the same way as above with the same results. 


	10. The Chapter That

The Chapter That Has Absolutely Nothing, And I Repeat Nothing, To Do With The Story  
  
Pippin was still questioning Nienna when he heard a fell voice on the air. "I hear a fell voice on the air," he replied to no one in particular since his three friends were watching t.v. and Nienna had successfully knocked herself out.  
  
Said fell voice let out an evil cackle and Pippin paled. Not because of the manacing laugh but because he had forgotten to breathe the entire time he was questioning Nienna. Pippin began to inhale and exhale. "Phew ! Good thing that fell voice let out an evil cackle or I might never have remembered to breathe."  
  
Why is Pippin basically repeating everything I write ?  
  
"Why am I repeating everything the authoress writes ?"  
  
This is annoying.  
  
"This is annoying."  
  
I'm a dork.  
  
"That's right !" Pippin laughed ",You're a dork."  
  
Oh, forget it.  
  
"Oh, for...." In a flash of light Pippin was gone. Hey ! I didn't write that. Where did Pippin go ?  
  
"Mwahahahahahahaha...."  
  
Eep !  
  
Meanwhile at the Authoresses house....  
  
Our authoress (to be called SouthernGirl or SG for short) has just plopped down onto her couch for a lazy day of not writing a single chapter for any of her stories since this was her day off from her lame job. Her two children, twins at that, were running about the house wreaking various amounts of havoc. Jordan, the girl twin, was ramming her demon horns into walls because she felt the house didn't have enough holes in it. Logan, Jordan's younger brother by two seconds, was on the internet looking at things he shouldn't while plotting different ways to open a hellmouth so he could throw his sister in. O.C., S.G.'s husband (who, by the way, was not nicknamed after the guilty pleasure series), was cooking dinner because he preferred to remain oblivious to the destruction being done to the helpless house.  
  
S.G. decided she wanted to watch Lord of the Rings for the millionth time that week. O.C. hearing the DVD player come to life popped his head out of the kitching, groaning ",Not again."  
  
"What," S.G. asked innocently. "Like you don't make me watch Critters every day."  
  
S.G. hit the play button but the disc drawer slid open instead. S.G. pushed the button to close it and it did close before sliding back open. "What the hell is wrong with this piece of...."  
  
"Language," O.C. called from the kitchen.  
  
S.G. pushed the drawer button repeatedly causing the drawer to open and close, open and close, open and close, until a voice from the DVD player screamed ",Lay off the bloody button."  
  
S.G. fell back on her butt as the other three occupants of the house ran into the living room. In a burst of white light Pippin was standing in the living room surrounded by pieces of the DVD player. O.C. fainted. S.G. began to cry for the loss of her beloved DVD player. The twins eyed Pippin like a piece of meat while saying ",Ooooh, look. A new friend."  
  
Pippin, meanwhile, was twitching in pain from all of the tiny scratches the DVD player had given him and yelling ",OW ! OCH ! Oi! ACK! Owchie ! Oh, hell, I give up !"  
  
"Look at what you did to my damn DVD player !"  
  
"Language," O.C. mumbled, still out cold.  
  
"Mommy, can we keep him. We promise we'll feed and water him everyday. And when he's bad we'll punish him," both twins echoed.  
  
"No, you can't keep me. I'm not a dog."  
  
"Peregrin Took, you are so paying for that DVD player."  
  
Pippin looked down at S.G., since she was still sitting on the ground, and narrowed his eyes ",Do I know you ?"  
  
"Fool of a Took. Yes, you know me."  
  
"Ah !" There was a light of recognition in his eyes ",You're...."  
  
"No ! Don't say my real name."  
  
"Why not ?"  
  
"I prefer to remain anonymous or S.G. if you really have to call me something."  
  
"S.G. doesn't stand for anonymous but I'll call you that." Pippin looked over to the eight-year-old twins and beamed brightly ",Are they..."  
  
"No," S.G. cut him off quickly.  
  
"But they look like...."  
  
S.G. clamped a hand over his mouth ",No...they...don't. Now why are you here."  
  
"Mrph grk urg lrk."  
  
"What ?" Pippin pointed to S.G.'s hand over his mouth and she quickly removed it from Pippin's face. "Oh, hehe. Sorry. Now why are you here ?"  
  
"Right. Down to business. I was taken from Nienna's house and transported to a cow field where this girl who claims to be your muse lives. She asked me to deliver this letter to you."  
  
Pippin presented the letter to S.G. who remained standing while she read it. It went something like this:  
  
Dear SouthernGirl,  
  
This is your muse writing this. If you don't get your lazy ass to the computer and write something right this instant I will be forced to take drastic measures. Do you know how many plot bunnies I currently have in my abode because of you ? 9,325 and 1/2. And they are constantly multiplying. You know how I hate cute, furry, cuddely things. Now write something and get rid of them. Or else.  
  
Hugs with lots of blood  
  
Aria  
  
S.G. crumbled up the letter and threw it over her shoulder which seemed to terrify Pippin. "Do you have any idea what your muse is going to do to you ?! DO YOU !"  
  
"I don't know nor do I care," S.G. said with a shrug.  
  
"But you don't understand. She has powers. Horrible powers. And horrible machines that can do things to the plot bunnies."  
  
S.G. just shrugged again. "I don't feel like writing."  
  
"She knows your real name."  
  
"Like she can tell anybody. She lives in a cow field. Ooooh, she'll tell the cows my real name. I'm so scared." S.G. saw a large white object move around Jordan's room which was right behind Pippin. S.G. peered over Pippin only to see her worst fear. There in Jordan's room were 9,325 and 1/2 plot bunnies but the muse Aria had changed them. They were red eyed, with fangs, were drooling horrid little puddles of spit, and were growling. S.G. ran over and closed Jordan's bedroom door. The mutated plot bunnies began slamming into it. It seemed that Aria has also made them stronger. The door began to spliter in places. S.G. quickly locked the door and yelled at the top of her lungs ",I'm not writing today !!!!"  
  
S.G. ran to the front door and opened it only to run into two men dressed in black suits that looked suspiciously like Agent Smith. "Are you Tina Baker also known as SouthernGirl4615."  
  
"Ahhhhhh!" Tina screamed ",You used my real name ! Now everyone knows !"  
  
The two men looked unfazed by her outburst. "I'm Agent C and this is Agent D. We're from ff.net. Do you have in you home a hobbit ? One Peregrin Took also known as Pippin ?"  
  
"Depends. Why're you looking for him ?"  
  
"It seems that Mister Took is overdue for an appearance in a fanfic. A slash fanfic. A slash fanfic involving a Mister Boromir."  
  
Horrid images flashed through Tina's brain and burned themselves a nice place there. Tina shuddered and slammed the door in the agents' faces. They began to bang on the front door. So the whole house was filled with the sounds of wood being pounded (oh, shut up you dirty minded people). Tina ran to Pippin and shoved him into the VCR. The VCR powered up and began to rewind. (Poor Pippin) Tina tuned out all of the noise around her and sat down on the couch once again. She turned on the TV and sighed ",I'm not writing today and no one can make me."  
  
Under the couch a cute little pink nose stuck out and twitched. Then two glowing red eyes appeared along with a puddle of drool.  
  
THE END  
  
SouthernGirl: Please excuse the insanity above. Aria has now found a way to hack into my computer system. (sigh) I guess the above is a little revenge for not writing anything in a week or so. So now you guys have met my muse, Aria, who is an insane mutant vampire from Siberia who suffers from the following: cleptomania, insomnia, narcolepsy, ADHD, hypochondria, and agoraphobia. Funny she suffers from agoraphobia when she lives outdoors in a cow field. Anyway, next time:  
  
Interlude Two, Dos, Deux....Muskateers...mmmmmm...chocolate  
  
O.C.: Muskrats  
  
SouthernGirl: What ?  
  
O.C.: Muskrats....the plot bunnies looked like muskrats which sounds kinda like muskateers.  
  
SouthernGirl: For some reason I don't want chocolate now. 


	11. The Elves Discover Strippers

Chapter 10  
  
Elves and Strip Clubs  
  
Disclaimer- If you recognize it I definately own it. NOT !  
  
A/N- don't own it and probably never will. Special thanks to my reviewers, especially nienna, you're the best. And King Matt. Thank you for your review. I don't think you're biased even though you're, like, my best friend. I'm sad to say that I think I'm starting to turn back to drama. I know. I want to cry too. (Aria slaps SG upside the head)  
  
Aria: Will you get on with it. I have other writers to inspire.  
  
SG (rubbing head): You call this inspiration ?  
  
(Southerngirl runs off as Aria chases after her.)  
  
SG: Please read and review. Pralines to everyone who reviews.  
  
Tina's POV  
  
"How many bottles have we gone through," I slurred out.  
  
"Six. No, seven. No...nine," Boromir hiccuped.  
  
Mandy slid off her barstool, recovered, then gave up. She fell down on the floor. I think she gave up on her precious dignity for the time being. "My head is going to hate me tomorrow."  
  
"My stomach already does," Matt groaned.  
  
"Waffle House," I cried out, scaring everyone at the bar.  
  
Betsy paled then facepalmed. "No. No greasy food."  
  
"Greasy food's the best."  
  
"Taco Bell," Mandy offered from her seat on the floor.  
  
"Ugh," I grimmaced. "No ! No Mexican food. I want breakfast. I know ! We'll stay in the penthouse tonight."  
  
"Good plan," Matt called out before he laid his head on the bar.  
  
I looked around for something. The bartender noticed this and sat another bottle of Jack in front of us. "Thanks, but not what I'm lookin' for. Where are my boys ?"  
  
"We're right here but we're hardly boys," Boromir snorted, finally helping Mandy back onto her barstool.  
  
"Not you. I know where you two are. I mean my other boys."  
  
"Tina," a voice whispered in my ear.  
  
I screamed before spinning on my barstool too quickly. I fell over into the waiting arms of Faber. "Don't ever do that to me again. EVER !"  
  
"We found the elves. You had better come with me."  
  
"What about Gimli and the hobbits ?"  
  
"Haven't found the hobbits yet. We took Gimli to the penthouse about half an hour ago. Now come on."  
  
Faber pulled me out of the bar and the others staggered slowly behind us. Faber led us up the street to a bar that the rest of my band were standing in front of. The windows were completely covered in pictures of naked women. "Your elves should be comin' out any second," Steven said, practically holding me up because I was laughing so hard.  
  
"What is so funny, Tina," Aragorn asked while Steven kept trying to straighten me up.  
  
"Prim and proper elves and strippers," I managed to get out in between fits of laughter.  
  
Aragorn and Boromir got yet another set of priceless looks on their faces. In confusion they both asked ",Strippers ?"  
  
"Yes," Betsy stated (quite professionally), stepping forward ",men and women who take off their clothes for money."  
  
Loud voices from the club drew our attention back to the doors. I could hear El Snobbo himself yelling the loudest. "Unhand me this instant. I am Haldir, Marchwarden of Lothlorien. Protector of the Lady of the Light, Galadriel herself. No common man has ever laid hand on me without losing it."  
  
"Sure buddy," the bouncer replied as he shoved Haldir, none too gently, out of the club doors ",and I'm Bilbo."  
  
Bouncer one disappeared as bouncer two pushed Legolas out of the club. "Don't come back."  
  
Steven gave up on holding my thin, but squirmy, frame upright. I fell onto the brick covered street still laughing uncontrollably while gasping out ",Elves...strippers....boobs...  
  
elves...eunichs !"  
  
"I am no eunich," Legolas stated, quite offended. "As for Haldir I cannot speak."  
  
I stopped laughing long enough to look up at Legolas. The small smirk that rested on his lips was enough. I cracked up again. Joel picked me up and threw me over his shoulder. That shut me up. Fast. "Ugh, don't feel so great now."  
  
"Don't worry." Joel chuckled as he playfully smacked my rear. "You'll be able to pass out in about ten minutes."  
  
"Did you just slap my ass."  
  
"Uhm," now Joel sounded nervous ",yes."  
  
"You are so gonna get hurt."  
  
Ninna's POV  
  
I awoke to absolute silence. Blessed silence. Maybe Pippin had fainted from lack of oxygen. Then I heard something. A humming noise that became a ratteling noise that became a banging noise that finally became a BOOM noise. My eyes shot open and I sprang to my feet along with the other three hobbits. I began to wig out in more ways than one until I realized it was just Pippin. A Pippin who was surrounded by what suspiciously looked like pieces of my parent's entertainment center. Pippin grinned broadly (ignoring the destruction he caused) while singing ",I know something you don't know."  
  
Now I was mad. My parents were going to kill me. I stomped over to my phone and dialed while screaming ",Who cares. I'm callin' Tina."  
  
Matt's POV  
  
My head was ringing. Then it stopped. Then it rang again. That's funny. It sounded just like Tina's cell phone. "Matt," Betsy whispered ",your pants're ringin'."  
  
"Why would my pants be ringin'. I don't remember Levi's bein' able to ring."  
  
"Maybe they're remindin' you to go pee," Mandy sighed, leaning on Boromir. "Mmmmmm, comfy. Go nite-nite now."  
  
I reached into my front pockets on a hunch and pulled out Tina's cell phone. How the hell did I end up with it ? "Hello. Tina's phone. He who rocks answering."  
  
"Tell Tina to come get her damn hobbits."  
  
"Uhm," the person on the other end sounded mad. "Who's this ?"  
  
"Nienna," she yelled.  
  
"Oh. Hold on." Tina was looking at me from her spot over Joel's shoulder. "Uhm, its Nienna. She wants you to come get the hobbits."  
  
"Tell her I can't drive. Tell Nienna to call them a cab and sent them to the Mariott. We're in the penthouse. I'll pay her back tomorrow."  
  
"Okay." I turned my attention back to the cell phone ",Nienna ?"  
  
"I heard her."  
  
Then Nienna slammed her phone down. I stared at the phone for a second ",One of these days I'm gonna quit answering you."  
  
Mandy's POV  
  
Cuddely arm. I could go to sleep right now if I wasn't busy doing something else. What was I doing ? Oh, right. Walking. Left. Right. Left. Right. Trip. Let Boromir catch me. Say thank you while batting my oh-so-pretty eyelashes. Get pissed when Boromir asks if I have something in my eye. Continue walking. Left. Right. Left. Right. Oh, lookie. We're at the hotel.  
  
Tina's POV  
  
The desk clerk handed me the penthouse keycard without a single word. I smiled as big as I dared since my stomach had taken up residence in my throat. "We'll be expectin' four little people soon. Be a dear and help them with the elevator. TO THE ELEVATORS !"  
  
Once in the elevator I began to push on the area right above Joel's kidneys while making running water noises. "Stop, Tina."  
  
"No. Hoover dam. Swimming pools. Dripping faucets. Bubbling, swirling water. Jacuzzis...."  
  
By the time the elevator doors opened on the top floor Joel was bouncing from foot to foot. He put me down so I could open the only door on the floor. I purposely kept putting the key card in wrong as Joel's face kept getting redder. "Give it here," Joel finally screamed, opening the door.  
  
Joel ran in, disappearing, to go relieve himself. The rest of us walked in a bit slower as we turned on the lights as we went. I staggered over to the phone where the room service menu awaited me. I dialed down to the kitchen. "Hello."  
  
"Hi. Penthouse here. We would like to order room service."  
  
"Go ahead with your order."  
  
"A dozen double cheeseburgers with the works. Six chili cheese fries. Six plain fries. Six large orders of onion rings. Four london broils, medium-rare with green beans and sauteed mushrooms. A whole Boston cream pie, pecan pie and chocolate decadence cake. Also bring up every bottle of whiskey and beer you can find."  
  
I hung up the phone and waited patiently. Within a few minutes the requested alcohol began to arrive and that's when things got fuzzy.  
  
Nest time...I mean...Next time: Chapter 11- The ring does what ?   
  
The hobbits rejoin the others. The ring of power seems to do things a little differently in this time. And a mystery guest reveals how the fellowship ended up in Louisiana to begin with. 


	12. The ring does what !

(A/N- I know. I know. I haven't updated this in ages. I had writer's block. I saw Dom on I Love the 90s on VH1 and he still looks hot. Anyway on with the show.)  
  
Disclaimer- Don't own it and never will unless I win the lottery and for the Tolkein estate to sell.  
  
The Ring Does What ?!?  
  
Sunlight was bearing down on my face demanding that I wake up. I cautiously cracked one eye open and was quite surprised when searing pain didn't rip through my head. Well, now that I knew I didn't have a hangover I didn't want to wake up. My bed was warm, soft and currently breathing. BREATHING !!! I think I fell out of the bed before I even opened my eyes a second time. I made sure I was looking down when I did finally get the courage to open them. I snapped my eyes shut again when I realized I was as naked as the day I was born. I peeked down again and, yep, not a stitch there. Well, this is embarrassing. I heard someone laughing lightly above me on the bed. "Don't be the jerk. Anyone but Le Snob. Please, if there's someone up there who likes me, don't let it be him."  
  
"The compliments continually roll off of your tongue do they not ?"  
  
And somewhere in the cosmos a deity laughed. I looked up to see Haldir looking down at me with that typical Haldir look. My eyes wandered over his bare chest then down to where the blanket blocked my view. I jumped up, grabbing the blanket, screaming at the top of my lungs ",Ahhhhhhhhhh, Mary Sue germs ! Faber ?!"  
  
"What ?"  
  
"I need steel wool. I have Mary Sue germs ! Hafta get 'em off."  
  
"I'll be back," Faber yelled from the other side of the door.  
  
Haldir's POV  
  
Well, that is not the reaction I was expecting.  
  
Tina's POV  
  
I ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me, as I tried to regain some of my composure. I don't remember a single thing after all of the alcohol was delivered. Alcohol is now my worst enemy. I mean it was bad enough that it gave me hangovers but now this ? I am never drinking again. And I mean it this time. Once I had sufficiently calmed down I looked around the room only to find a garden gnome staring back at me. Where had that come from ? "Where'd the gnome come from ?"  
  
"You insisted that we go get the hobbits even though I had told you numerous times that they were already here," Haldir began to explain. "You left and I decided to join you. Along the way you saw that hideous thing and would not leave the the yard until you could take it with you. I digressed and you brought it back with you and left it in the bathroom."  
  
"Who the hell is he calling hideous," a new voice asked.  
  
I turned to look at the knome but staring back at me was a very real, very alive gnome. I could have sworn he was ceramic not even ten seconds ago. "Uhm, did you say something ? 'Cause I coulda sworn you weren't real."  
  
The gnome rolled his eyes and huffed in what I think was frustration or anger. You really can't tell with gnomes. "Out of all of the people I have enlightened you are by far the dimmest bulb of the bunch."  
  
"Hey ! I resent that. I'm not dim. Burned out sometimes, yes. But I'm not stupid. I just have a selective memory."  
  
"I would like to see how far knowing everything about X-Men comics gets you. I'm sure you'll land some exec job with that."  
  
Now I was getting pissed. Having my friends tell me I was having blonde moments was one thing but to have an inanimate object tell me I was stupid and going no where was something else entirely. I leaned down a mere inch from his face and growled ",We are on the top floor and I have no reservation about dropping you from the balcony."  
  
The gnome actually looked frightened for a moment before the little bastard bit my nose. I yelped and pulled back, gingerly rubbing my nose. "Now, if you are quite through with your useless threats can I get to the point of why I'm here. You didn't decide to steal me by accident you know."  
  
"Hurry up. I have icky Haldir germs to scour off."  
  
"Like I was saying I have come to enlighten you about your current situation." I gave him what I thought was my best clueless look to which he sighed. "You mean to tell me you haven't even thought about why the Fellowship showed up here ?"  
  
"I thought it was divine intervention. Or some higher power's way of driving me insane."  
  
"When I get done here I'm telling my boss to give me a raise. I don't get paid enough for this. Anyway, the Fellowship didn't just happen to drop in accidentally or even with the help of some god or goddess. It seems your little dwarf friend, Gimli, did something Celeborn didn't like. A certain something with Galadriel. So, as an act of revenge Celeborn cast a spell. The spell was only suppose to send Gimli here but it got a little out of control and sent the entire Fellowship here along with other random people."  
  
Okay, its sinking in. Gimli and Galadriel. Ewwwww.....and other random people are here too ? "What do you mean by other people ?"  
  
"I mean Haldir isn't the only one who is completely out of place. Other non-Fellowship members just happen to have been deposited with other friends of yours. So, that's what you need to tell Gandalf if you ever make it back home. Now, can you help me down ? I have other clueless people to help."  
  
Wordlessly I sat him down onto the bathroom tile. Then in a little poof of sparkles and confetti he disappeared. "GIMLI!!!!!!!!"   
  
I stormed out of the bathroom, passing by a shocked Haldir, and into the living area to confront the midget. He looked up at me from the video game he and Aragorn were play. "What is it, lass ?"  
  
"What did you do with Galadriel ? And don't lie to me because someone told me you did something with her."  
  
"How did you find out about that ?"  
  
"Not important. Just tell me."  
  
"Can't. I will not expose the fair Lady in that manner."  
  
"Ewwww. Dude that is not only gross but against the laws of nature. You can tell everyone that they owe you a world of thanks because you're the reason everyone ended up here. Celeborn found out and cast a spell." Gimli looked up at me speechless. "Mandy, why don't you guys take everyone out sight seeing. I now have to go scrub my brain to get this image out of it."  
  
When Mandy didn't answer I looked around the room only to find that she wasn't there but there was a confused Matt looking at me. "Tina, why're you wearing a blanket ?"  
  
"I'll figure that out in a second. Where's Mandy ?"  
  
Matt pointed to the other bedroom that was closed off. "Great. Matt order up some breakfast and then get these guys outta here for the day. I don't care what you do just keep them away from a few hours."  
  
I went back into my bedroom where Haldir was still in bed this time covered with a sheet. I slammed the door closed behind me. "What has you so upset this time, my lady ?"  
  
I growled in anger. I hate that snob. Why does he have to act like he's better than everybody. "What happened last night ? How the hell did I end up in bed with you ? I must've been really messed up."  
  
"You grabbed a bottle of whiskey as soon as all of the alcohol was brought up. You turned on some music and a song by a band you called the Rasmus was playing. Everyone except for myself and Legolas began to dance. I thought you would pick Legolas since all women want Legolas but you picked me."  
  
Okay, now starting to feel kind of bad here. I looked up to Haldir and the bad feeling immediately went away. He was smirking. Jerk. Haldir continued to explain the events of last night ",Then we ended up in here. I must admit I had no idea you were so flexible."  
  
"Forget last night. Pretend it never happened. And nothing of the sort will ever happen again. Now, I have to go wash all of my skin off."  
  
When I was sure that all Mary Sue germs had been washed off, which was like two hours, I dressed and went back into the penthouse's main room. I wasn't alone like I had hoped. Merry and Pippin were eating the remnants of breakfast. Sam and Frodo had continued to play the video game that Aragorn and Gimli were playing. "I thought you guys went with everyone else."  
  
"No. I personally have no desire to venture out into that city again," Sam answered.  
  
I personally didn't blame them. I wanted to leave and never come back. After last night I'd had enough of New Orleans. Then an idea struck me. I was always curious about this when I'd read the books. "Hey, Frodo, you still have the ring, right ?"  
  
"Yes, Tina."  
  
"Could I, like, see it ? Just for a second and then I'll give it back. Promise."  
  
Frodo dropped his controller and walked over to the balcony doors where I was standing. He handed me the ring. I put it on and nothing happened. "You sure this is the ring ?"  
  
"Quite sure."  
  
"Did you break it or something ?"  
  
"No, I did not damage it."  
  
My stomach began to churn. I suddenly didn't feel so hot. Maybe it had to do with the inhuman amounts of whiskey I consumed last night. I opened up the balcony doors so that I could get some fresh air. It didn't help. I walked out onto the balcony still feeling like I was going to release the contents of my stomach. I opened my mouth to say something but a tremendously loud burp was released instead along with a five foot flame. Now, I had turned into a dragon. I closed my mouth and turned to see Frodo staring at me with his mouth agape. I turned and released another burp along with the flame. This time the other hobbits joined Frodo. I took off the ring and handed it back to Frodo. My stomach immediately began to feel better. "That is just too weird."  
  
The hobbits could only nod as Frodo placed the ring back on its chain before placing it around his neck once more. I looked down to the street below. People were running. People were screaming. Actually, it didn't sound like screaming since we were so far up. There were ugly looking things chasing after people. "Hey, guys, what are those ?"  
  
The four hobbits joined me on the balcony following my gaze. Then they appropriately began to freak out. "Orcs," all of them screamed.  
  
"Oh, orcs. So nice they could finally come join us." The hobbits looked at me like I had lost my mind. "Do you guys wanna get outta here now ?"  
  
We ran from the room as fast as our legs could take us. Now our only problem was how do we find the others ?  
  
Next Time- Uruk-hai, Orcs and Wargs-OH MY !  
  
The dark side has come to earth in search of the ring. Tina vows to kill Celeborn if she ever meets him. Everyone swears that they'll never go to New Orleans again. Will they be safe at SLU when Tina and her friends have to start school again. And more characters show up at the college.  
  
(A/N-Sorry if this wasn't as funny or if it just sucked. I've been really busy with work lately. And remember please read and review. A date with the fellowship member of your choice if you do.) 


	13. Urukhai, Orcs and Wargs OH MY !

(A/N- Wow ! I updated a lot sooner than I thought I would. My sincere thanks goes to Melody for her two reviews. Thanks a lot. If anyone would like to make an appearance in this story as a college student or in a band that plays with Pocket Full of Strange leave the following form in your review: Name, Age, If you want to be in a band or a college student or anything else, and anything else of interest.)  
  
Uruk-hai, Orcs and Wargs- OH MY !  
  
We were back in the room faster than I think anyone on this world could move. I managed to find my cell phone and we were out the door. Already in the hotel we could hear commotion and screams from the floors below. I had no idea Orcs could move so fast. And what's the deal with them moving around in daylight. Frodo pulled on my sleeve ",Come on, Tina, which way. They are getting closer."  
  
Stairs...out of the question. Main elevator....lobby will already be full of orcs and who knows what else. Service elevator !!!! It would take us right down to the kitchen and out of the back of the hotel. "This way," I yelled, leading them to the second elevator on the floor. I pushed the button and we waited for the ancient elevator to make its way up to our floor. And we waited. And we waited. All the while the orcs were getting closer to our floor. The service elevator finally opened up and we scrambled in just as the door to the stairwell flew off of its hinges. The doors slid closed before we could see any of the orcs. "Never again will I stay in a penthouse."  
  
The four hobbits just looked up at me in that way that told me it was not the time to make jokes. Thump ! Thump ! Thump ! Either this elevator is having some serious problems or three orcs just jumped onto the top of the elevator car. The five of us looked up in that fascinated way, you know the way, the way that someone in horror movie looks five seconds before they bite it. A sword cut its way into the top of the elevator showering us with sparks. We jumped up against the doors as another sword cut hacked into the top. The orcs were trying to cut their way in. Jeez, how stupid can you be ? There's a door right there. Luckily, the elevator doors opened up on the main floor before we could find out exactly how smart an orc is. We ran through the bustling kitchen yelling the whole way ",Every man for himself. We're under attack. RUN !"  
  
It was out the back door we went running through a back alley that didn't currently contain orcs. I fished my cell phone out of my pocket and quickly dialed Faber. "Hello, Tina. Where are you guys ? You just missed the funniest thing. See there was this transvestite and..."  
  
"I don't care, Faber. You guys get to your cars and get the hell outta dodge now. We've got some big bad here wanting a piece of everyone's hides. We'll meet up at my house."  
  
"What the hell are you talking about ?"  
  
"No time for questions. Just go, NOW !"  
  
I skidded to a halt at the end of the alleyway waiting for the hobbits to catch up and looking out at the scene before me. Orcs were everywhere and attacking everything. I looked around trying to find another way out. "We will never get out this way," Sam stated.  
  
"Thank you Captain Obvious. I thought that was Legolas' job." My eyes were still darting around looking for an escape route. Then I found the perfect one. "When you can't take the low road you go for higher ground. Lets go guys."  
  
We ran to the fire escape ladder and I managed to pull it down after a couple of jumps at it. I shoved the hobbits up then I followed them just as a few orcs spotted us. I yanked the ladder back up then we ran like our lives depended on it. Once on the roof the hobbits looked absolutely disappointed and like they were sure they were going to be murdered. "What are we going to do now, Tina ? We cannot exactly stay up here," Merry stated, nearly hyperventilating.  
  
"Its only two blocks to my car. The buildings are close enough that we can hop across. If not I can toss you guys."  
  
Sam puffed out his chest proudly ",No one tosses a hobbit."  
  
"Okay, first of all, that's Gimli's line. Second, he hasn't even said it yet." I looked at the tiny gap in the buildings and immediately threw Sam to the other side. Then I tossed the others after him. I looked ahead of me and realized that this was going to take awhile.  
  
Matt's POV  
  
Okay, there are ugly things all around attacking people. I'm so glad that we have the five guys from the fellowship here. Well, four of the fellowship and a snobby elf who was in the book for a few pages. I'm also glad that the street posts aren't sealed into the ground or we wouldn't have any weapons. Now our only problem is how are we going to make it to the cars. "Guys," I heard Faber yell ",over here."  
  
Faber slammed his elbow through the passenger's side window of a car that wasn't his and unlocked the door. A few minutes later we had a nice ramming weapon that just happened to take us to our cars a little faster.  
  
Tina's POV  
  
It took us thirty minutes to finally make it to the street where my van was. We shimmied down an old, rusty drainpipe to the frenzied street below. Within moments we were on the road running over orcs as we went. Now we only have to hope that Zachary hasn't been invaded yet. I swear that I'll kill Celeborn if I ever get the chance to meet him. It won't be fast either. Slow and painful is what sounds best.  
  
We reached my apartment in what I think was record time. There were no orcs to be seen. Of course there were some inhumanly large dogs on the road. The hobbits informed me that those were Wargs and they were the cute and cuddely "pet me" kind of dogs. Everyone else was pulling into the parking lot just as I was. We ran for the door and made sure to lock it behind us. Gandalf, who had been sleeping in the recliner, jumped to his feet when we slammed the door. Aragorn walked over to him ",We have seen orcs and wargs in these lands. They were not here before we are told."  
  
"This is most troublesome."  
  
"Ya think," I yelled. "They didn't show up until I blew a five foot flame out of my mouth."  
  
Everyone looked at me like I had lost my mind. Of course Pippin came in to explain everything and get us all yelled at. "Oh, Tina put on Frodo's ring and it made her belch fire."  
  
"Thanks, Pippin. But couldn't you have left out the belch part ?"  
  
"Fool hobbits and human. All of you should know not to wear the ring of power." Okay, Gandalf is starting to do that creepy, scary wizard thing. I wonder if its too late to run myself into an orc sword or to become a warg appetizer ? "Prepare your things we must find a safer place for shelter than this."  
  
My friends and I looked at one another. "We'll be back," I called as we ran for my bedroom where my computer was. I signed back on and IMed a friend who lived on campus year-round. "Are there any strange things going on there ?"  
  
My computer beeped and sent back her reply ",No, boring as usual. Though I hear N.O. is jumping with excitement for some reason."  
  
I shut the computer down again and looked at my friends ",Its SLU guys. The only place where no orcs or wargs are wreaking havok."  
  
We re-entered the living room and Joel spoke for all of us ",We're going to our school. Its the only place that's under the radar."  
  
Gandalf looked satisfied ",If that is to mean that there is no danger then we must leave at once. We will travel at night on foot."  
  
"Uhhhh," I interrupted ",no. It'll be way faster by car. Plus, I doubt that any big bad can keep up with my boys' cars."  
  
Aragorn stepped forward ",Leave what you can. We travel light."  
  
And thus began our journey towards the one place that bored us to death but was our only sanctuary: Hammond, LA here we come.  
  
(A/N- let me know in the review if you would like to make a guest appearance. Oh, and, HI KING MATT !)  
  
Next time- Boredom in the city, the big show, and classes begin. Why is everyone at SLU carrying on as if its business as usual. The big back to school gig in which Kevin gets a big surprise. Why Hammond is so boring that the only thing to do is drink. And the other characters begin to show up plus Gollum manages to follow the gang to the college campus but gets lost. Please review. Thanks. 


	14. I'm bored are we there yet ?

Disclaimer- I only wish I owned it then I wouldn't have to work a single day for the rest of my life. I also don't own the song Monster it belongs to the god Wayne Static of Static-X.  
  
A/N- Finally heard from Nienna. The good new is she hasn't dropped off of the face of the earth. Oh, Hi Nienna. Don't worry you'll be kicking some orc butt in this chapter. Everyone please read and review.  
  
Chapter 13- I'm bored are we there yet ?  
  
Since my friends and I had kept our dorm rooms from the semester before there was really no need to pack anything since we had left everything in our rooms. So we passed the time waiting for the fellowship by calling any family or friends we had in the surrounding area and telling them to either get out or to barracade themselves in their homes with a lot of weapons. During this time something kind of dawned on me. Nienna was stuck in New Orleans alone. No parents. No family. Well, she did have those but they were out of town. I headed for the door and looked outside to see if everything was clear. After all, I couldn't exactly save Nienna if I was eaten by a warg now could I ? I closed the door momentarily so I could tell my friends ",I'll meet you guys at SLU. If I'm not there by tonight then I'm not coming at all."  
  
Matt looked concerned for all of a nanosecond. "At least take a weapon with you. Might I suggest something in the way of a nice .22 Saturday Night Special and a .22 semi-automatic."  
  
"How the hell do you know about my dad's guns ?"  
  
Matt shrugged ",I spend way too much time here not to be nosy."  
  
So, once I had weapons in hand, cocked and loaded but with the safety on (safety first, don't want to shoot your foot off) I left the apartment to return to the one city I had absolutely no desire to visit again. I made it to my VW without incident then I saw a blond head running across the courtyard. Now if you didn't know this a warg delicacy just happens to be elf. So guess what that idiot Haldir attracted from a ten mile radius. Yep, that's right. Every warg in the area. For some reason I was nice enough to let him in and we took off for New Orleans to rescue Nienna.  
  
45 Minutes Later...  
  
Why was I nice enough to let him into the car ? Why couldn't I let Haldir get eaten by a warg ? The entire way to New Orleans he was saying how I needed him to protect me because women are notorious for getting captured and killed. I finally swung my head to look at him, snapping ",For your information I don't need a man or an elf to protect me. I do a pretty good job of it on my own. I was the one who got the hobbits to safety therefore saving the ring from the enemy. Maybe you forgot that little fact."  
  
"It was by chance you saved the hobbits. Orcs are not known for their intellect."  
  
"Sure, chance, right. It was chance that I got them on the roof and tossed them from rooftop to rooftop. Do me a favor. Shut your mouth and concentrate on killing orcs."  
  
The Garden District was completely empty. Not an orc to be seen. Although the shotgun blasts were a dead giveaway as to where they were. Of course the shotgun was in the possession of Nienna which would normally be a very scary thing except she was blasting orc butt to kingdom come. Nienna had perched herself on the roof of her one story house and was killing the orcs as soon as they popped their ugly little heads over the edge. I rammed my VW through the wrought iron fence stopping at the front door. I poked my head out of the window ",In the mood for a little saving, Nienna ?"  
  
She looked at us gratefully before turning completely pissy ",Its about time. I was wondering when you were going to remember me."  
  
I shot an orc who got too close to my car. "Just jump on so we can get outta here."  
  
Haldir busied himself with killing orcs and he was just a little to happy doing it. Nienna dove onto the roof of the bus and we all set about trying to get out of the city...again.  
  
Mandy's POV  
  
We were waiting in Tina's dorm room anxiously. I had sent Legolas and Boromir out with Tina's bandmates to grab us some food from the cafeteria. The hobbits were playing video games. Gandalf was sitting at Tina's desk in deep thought. Aragorn was glowering at Gimli. "Tell him," Aragorn hissed.  
  
"I will do no such thing. It might tarnish her image."  
  
Aragorn leaned down eye level with Gimli ",If you do not tell Gandalf I will make sure you no longer have an image to maintain."  
  
"Try it, Ranger."  
  
Aragorn drew his sword while Gimli steadied himself with his ax.  
  
"Cease this madness at once," Gandalf roared, doing his freaky wizard 'I'm bigger than you' thing again.  
  
It worked. The two put their weapons away looking at Gandalf the entire time. "I apologize Gandalf. It seems that the events of these last hours have begun to get to me."  
  
Gimli muttered an apology. At least that's what I think it was. Gandalf continued to glare at them before his expression softened slightly. "I can understand Legolas and Gimli arguing because of the animosity between their races. But you, Aragorn, are to be the king of men. Such behavior is beneath you."  
  
Matt stepped in then ",Listen, Gandy, they were fighting because Gimli was being more stubborn than usual. He didn't want to tell you that he's the reason all of you are here. See, he did something with Galadriel that really pissed Celeborn off so Celeborn cast a spell that went haywire. Hence the reason all of you are here."  
  
"I see," was all that Gandalf would say before returning to Tina's desk continuing to think.  
  
Tina's POV  
  
Once back in Hammond and in relative safety we all relaxed a bit. I took the turn into the university a little too fast but managed to stay on the road. I never did see Gollum fly off of the roof of the VW. I parked the mini-bus in the dorm parking lot and we went to my room to find everyone pretty much there. Everyone except for Legolas, Boromir and my boys. "Its too crowded in here. Lets go to the commons so we can think of something or someway to send these guys back," I suggested.  
  
We walked down to the commons where we all sat in relative silence. I mainly just didn't want to try to find a place to sit in my overcrowded room. I was going to leave all of thinking to the wizard. Isn't that what they do best ? My boys and the two members of the fellowship that they had managed to find us just fine. Then we continued to sit there only making the noises that go along with eating. Then the most remarkable thing occured. A few more of my friends showed up. Mike, Kat, Stoney, Jeremy, Alan, and Reese were all dragging their own displaced person. Boromir was the first to shoot to his feet, yelling out ",Faramir, my brother, why are you here ?"  
  
"I could ask the same of you, Boromir."  
  
I looked up at Boromir then to his brother and found that I suddenly had a drooling problem. Not only was I drooling over Faramir but the guy standing next to him. Reese was the first to speak ",That's Tina. She's the one you want to talk to about all the strange shit going on."  
  
Drooling problem gone replaced by anger management problem. "Why the hell do you assume that I would know anything about what's goin' on ?"  
  
"You make it your life's mission to screw everything up or to make it so weird that no one can figure out what's going on," Reese stated with a satisfied smirk. I hate her. I really do. Why am I friends with her again ? Oh, that's right. She's Jonothan's girlfriend and a lousy one at that.  
  
Faramir looked down at me and smiled warmly. "Good evening, my lady, I am Faramir brother of Boromir."  
  
Mandy looked confused ",What'd he just say ?"  
  
"His name's Faramir and he's Boromir's brother," I snapped.  
  
"This is Eomer and his sister Eowyn from Rohan. Lord Elrond of Rivendale." At that point I noticed Aragorn was already in deep conversation with Elrond. "This is Lord Celeborn of Lothlorien."  
  
When I heard that name I pounced on the already freaked out elf. "You idiot. Your spell brought orcs, wargs and lord knows what else here in my world. I'm so gonna rip your lungs out."  
  
Before I could land a good punch to the perfect elf's face Faramir had pulled me off of him at Gandalf command. "Tina, now is not the time to fight amongst ourselves. If you ripped Celeborn's lungs out as you put it then who would help me to find out how to return to Middle Earth along with all of the dark creatures that followed us."  
  
"You have a point," I grumbled, still firmly in Faramir's grasp. "But he goes to cast one spell, even if its to fix his hair, I'll kill him."  
  
"Agreed," Gandalf nodded ",now if you will excuse Celeborn and myself I believe we will go about finding a way home. Can we use your chamber, Tina ?"  
  
"Go right on ahead."  
  
So we waited for the two to figure out a way to reverse the spell. And we waited. And we waited. We also waited to see if any orcs and wargs were going to make an appearance but they didn't. At least not yet. So we continued to wait in absolute boredom. Nienna stayed with me since Louisiana had been placed under Marshall Law and her parents couldn't get back into the state and we couldn't leave.  
  
Kids started moving back on campus a few days later since SLU hadn't announced a cancellation of classes. You would think an attack from evil things would warrant that but no. We all drug the guys with us while we got our class schedules and bought our books. Then we went for one last rehearsal before the show that night. Kevin showed up with Courney again and I of course played like I had no idea that they were together. I wanted Kevin to have a little public humiliation.  
  
That night....  
  
I dressed like I would for any other show because as far as anyone else knew this was just another one of our shows and nothing interesting would happen. I wore a short pleated skirt, a tank top with a fishnet top over it, and a pair of shitkickers. When everyone else was dressed we left for the bar. The first person I stopped to talk to was Bryce, the bouncer, who looked none too happy to see me. "Hey, Bryce, how would you like to bounce someone outta here and then have a little fun out in the alley with them."  
  
"How would that be different from any other night that you guys play ?"  
  
"This person is Kevin."  
  
Bryce suddenly lightened up a little bit and actually started to look happy. "With pleasure, Tina."  
  
"Just wait until I tell you."  
  
I then literally ran into O.C. who was the bassist for our opening band, Glyph, which was a really heavy metal band. I don't know why they're so insistent on opening for us lately since we're a cover everything that rocks band, but they do and seem to enjoy it. "Hey, Tina. How was your summer ?"  
  
"Unfortunately, eventful. Heart attack eventful. And you ?"  
  
"Nothing like that. Just hung out here with nothing better to do but drink and play shows. Speaking of which. I better get onstage."  
  
O.C. left and I went to sit in the back of the bar with everyone. I, of course, didn't drink anything but soda as did Nienna. Everyone else, on the other hand, was trying to drink the bar dry and doing a good job of it so far. After Glyph's forty-five minute set Pocket Full of Strange went on stage just as Kevin showed up. Bryce saw him and started to crack his knuckles. "This is for Kevin," I spoke into the microphone.  
  
The band began to play then I ground out the words since this was an angry song:  
  
_Breathing, killing, seething, willing  
_  
_Fighting, biting, hating, waiting for you  
  
Don't you, won't you, don't lie_  
  
_Give it, get it, live it, let it  
  
Dedicated, nothing sacred for you_  
  
_Don't you, won't you, I die  
_  
_Wreak havok, I'm crippled  
  
Your polluted soul, is so corrupted_  
  
_In your eyes, see all the lies  
  
The alibis, That I despise  
  
In your eyes, see all the lies  
  
The alibis, That I despise  
  
In your eyes, all the lies  
  
Alibis, I despise  
  
See the lies, spirit dies  
  
You disguise, Monster size  
  
Breathing, killing, seething, willing  
  
Fighting, biting, hating, waiting for you  
  
I don't know why I try  
  
Give it, get it, live it, let it  
  
Dedicated, nothing sacred for you  
  
I can't see you I'm blind  
  
Wreak havoc, I'm crippled  
  
Your polluted soul, is so corrupted  
  
In your eyes, see all the lies  
  
The alibis, That I despise  
  
In your eyes, see all the lies  
  
The alibis, That I despise  
  
In your eyes, all the lies  
  
Alibis, I despise  
  
See the lies, spirit dies  
  
Your disguise, Monster size  
  
Wreak havoc, I'm crippled  
  
Erasing, Refacing  
  
So worthless, no mercy  
  
Your polluted soul, is so corrupted_  
  
The song ended and I looked at Kevin. His mouth was hanging open in shock. I could only smirk ",Get him outta here, Bryce."  
  
Bryce grabbed Kevin by the back of his neck and proceeded to drag him, quite roughly from the looks of it, out of the club. Jacob immediately went into the next song in our set to cover up Kevin's screams from the alley. But, there was a scream that could be heard over our eardrum-busting music. It didn't sound human. My boys immediately stopped playing and we heard it again. I must have gone white as a piece of paper. When I looked back over my shoulder to my people at the back of the bar the Ring people had the same looks on their faces. The pause in time is when everything went to shit. The plate glass windows in the front of the bar shattered, spraying glass everywhere. Nothing ran in. I felt a hand on my shoulder squeezing it so hard that it was beginning to hurt. I looked over and saw....  
  
A/N-A great teacher once told me that comedy wouldn't exist if there was no tragedy. That a character can't laugh at the lighter things in life without having experienced the deepest abyss of sadness. That if you didn't know what emotional or physical pain was that you would just take the good moments for granted. The only decision to make in this for your character is if you're going to have them face a tragedy that involves the depression of a broken heart or are you going to hit them so hard with so much that you drag them into the bowels of insanity. So my next chapter is going to be quite tragic and how everyone deals with it, especially our girl Tina.  
  
Next time- Good-byes are so hard to do on the run. 


	15. Goodbyes are so hard to do on the run

Disclaimer- I placed a spell over the world and now everyone thinks I own Tolkien's works. Mwahahahaha (random lawyer clears throat)...erm, sorry, don't own it and never will.  
  
A/N- We are quickly coming to the end of this story but fear not my brave readers. A sequel is in the works. See, this is going to be a trilogy. That means three stories...see how smart I am.  
  
Chapter 14- Good-byes are so hard to do on the run.  
  
The plate glass windows in the front of the bar shattered, spraying glass everywhere. Nothing ran in. I felt a hand on my shoulder squeezing it so hard that it was beginning to hurt. I looked over and saw Jacob was the one trying to break my collar bone. He opened his mouth to say something but blood streamed down his chin instead. That's when I saw the black arrow lodged in his neck. Another one flew through the broken window and struck his chest. Everyone in the bar was going nuts just trying to find a way out of the bar. I watched as the few who ran out of the front doors were cut down by orcs and even bigger looking orcs. The inhuman scream cut through the air again. I looked back to Jacob as he began to fall to the ground. I supported him as best as I could. "Run," he whispered before closing his eyes.  
  
"Don't worry, J, I'll get you outta here," I yelled.  
  
He was starting to get heavy and I was loosing my grip on him. I wouldn't leave him behind and if that meant that I was going to get killed then so be it. There's a hospital only five minutes away. We could make that in no time. Another hand grabbed my wrist and I turned my head to see Haldir ",Come on, Tina. Leave him. We have to find shelter."  
  
"No, I won't leave him. Just go."  
  
"Grab her, Haldir," Aragorn yelled as he pushed everyone out of the back door.  
  
Haldir pulled me towards him and I lost my grip on Jacob. Haldir threw me over his shoulder and I screamed ",No, I can't leave him. Let me go." The orcs were streaming into the bar now, cutting down anyone in their path. Haldir took off running for the back door that Aragorn had just pushed everyone through. "I'll come back for you, J. Just hold on. I'll come back."  
  
Haldir stopped in the alley where the others had waited for us. He sat me down on my feet but kept a hand on my back to steady me just in case. "Which way do we go to reach your rooms," Aragorn asked Mandy.  
  
"We can take the alley all the way back. We go that way," she whispered, pointing over her shoulder.  
  
I looked up then. I needed to do a head count. I had to do something or I would begin laughing like a raving lunatic and proceed to bang my head on the wall. Nienna, yep, Jonothan, yep, Faber, yep, Joel, yep, the ring people, yep, Mandy and Matt, yep, O.C., yep. Where's Betsy and Steven ? Where's the rest of O.C.'s band ? The others began running down the alley in the general direction of our dorm. I couldn't move. I told my legs to run but they wouldn't respond. I felt the hand on my back move to grip my arm and force me to move. I looked up to see Haldir, his features looked grim. He didn't think we would make it out of this. At least that's what I thought. He continued pulling me along beside him until we reached my room and the three people who luckily chose not to join us: Elrond, Celeborn, and Gandalf. Legolas looked back to my friends ",Pack what you need. Make it light. We don't have much time before the orcs and uruk-hai find their way here."  
  
I still couldn't move. Haldir gently moved me further into the room before speaking ",Aragorn, she will not move or talk. I do not know what to do."  
  
Aragorn was in front of me then along with Lord Elrond. They were speaking but I couldn't hear anything they were saying. It was like they were talking in slow motion. My hands were covered in something slick. I held them up in front of my face to see they were covered in blood. Jacob's blood. My stomach made its way to my throat and I pushed through everyone running into the bathroom. I lost the contents of my stomach in one of the stalls. Someone had come in behind me. The stall door swung open and I could see Haldir's feet. He pulled me from the stall and led me over to the sinks where he washed my hands for me. "Will you say something, Tina. Anything, just speak."  
  
"You should've left me. I coulda protected J if you would've just left me."  
  
"You would be dead right now if we had."  
  
I pulled my hands away from his and looked up at him ",I will be dead in a few days thanks to your Lord Celeborn." I walked away from him and out of the bathroom making direct eye contact with Aragorn ",We head for Mississippi. I won't say that we need to go farther because our goal right now is just to make it over the border."  
  
I grabbed a backpack and stuffed as much clothing into it that I could. I pulled my dad's pistols out of my closet and packed them in along with what little ammo I had left. Then I remembered I needed my toothbrush and toothpaste. If I was going to die I was most certainly not going to die with stinky breath. I packed those items along with my cell phone. The phone probably no longer had service but it was worth a shot. I took Nienna's shotgun from her and quickly loaded a round into its chamber. I looked back to the men of the group ",We walk out together with the hobbits and Nienna in the middle. Take out anything that comes near us. Then we get into our cars and high tail it outta here. Am I clear ?"  
  
Aragorn cleared his throat ",Tina, perhaps another plan of action is called for."  
  
"What other plan do you have, Aragorn ? Wait here and be killed. I could've and would've done that at the bar if El Snobbo hadn't of grabbed me when you told him to. Now lets go."  
  
Everyone having met back up at my room all did as I said not wanting to get into a fight with me at the moment knowing I would probably shoot them if they did. But the plan was for nothing seeing as the only thing we had to fight was a scream above us who wouldn't came down close enough for us to fight it. "What is that thing," Faber yelled over it.  
  
"Dark Riders," Aragorn answered. "I thought we would have more time than this before they made their presence known."  
  
Mandy and I exchanged looks as I began pushing Pippin ahead of me. "That means that they're on the Fell Beasts," Mandy whimpered.  
  
"Nazgul," Matt hissed.   
  
I aimed the shotgun up and fired off two rounds before hearing a shriek that contained a little more pain than before. I wasn't too satisfied with it though.  
  
Meanwhile somewhere else on campus....  
  
"Where are theyssss precioussss." Gollum was completely lost after having been thrown from the top of the VW. "Evil buildingsssss. We hatesssss towersessss. Elfsesssss must have built them."  
  
The Nazgul scream ripped through the quiet night and Gollum soon found himself cowering under a stone bench only yards away from the dorms where his precious was escaping.  
  
Back to the great escape....  
  
I went to get in on the driver's side of the mini-bus but Matt shoved me out of the way. "You've done enough driving, Tina. Get in the back and keep watch. Don't want any of those things coming after us."  
  
So I crawled into the very back of the VW which was the storage area and never took my eyes from the view outside of the back window. I felt something wet sliding down my cheeks and realized that I was crying. I put my hand over the glass of the back window and whispered ",I'm sorry, J, I'll come back for you. I promise. I won't let them do anything to you."  
  
A/N-Like I said this is going to be pretty depressing with some humor thrown in just to lighten up the fowl moods going around.  
  
Next time- Pawn shops and breaking and entering. Our heroes are trying to make it out of state but a little thing called the military is making it quite difficult for them. When ammo runs low where do they go when there's not a black arms dealer running around ? A pawn shop of course. And what happens to Jacob. Is he really dead ? Or is he just playing. 


	16. Pawn shops and the art of B&E

A/N- Starting to feel a little unloved here people. I give a very special thanks and a Frodo talking plushie to Nienna for being a great reviewer and for letting me put her in this story because I'm probably completely warping her personality but that's just me. And once again I say hello to King Matt who is probably driving down some lonely highway to deliver some freight to a massive corporation for the public to consume. Rock on King Matt.  
  
Pawn Shops and The Art of B&E  
  
My VW was actually moving faster than I ever remember it going. No, its really not. It just seems like it because the horde of orcs, uruk-hai and wargs are on foot. At least the p.o.s VW that should've been put out of its misery long ago is keeping us out of their sight range. Stupid, evil things wouldn't even be chasing us if the Nazgul hadn't of alerted them to our escape. Stupid, evil things wouldn't even be on earth if it wasn't for Celeborn. Then the stupid, evil things wouldn't have killed...no, I can't think about that right now. Maybe in like fifty years when I've had enough psychotherapy. For right now I'll be happy filling everything employed by Sauron with lead. Yeah, that's a good idea. Gee, everyone's quiet. And Mandy is flipping me off. I love my friends. I could hear Faber and Joel discussing our options once we crossed the border. They both agreed that we should hide out at one of the marina warehouses. That way we had two ways out. The road and the water. Yeah, sounds like a great plan. Why don't we just stop here, paint bulls-eyes on our chests and sing 'we love orcs' at the top of our lungs. I think that would work much better.  
  
"We're coming up on the border," Matt called back about two seconds before slamming on the brakes.  
  
I looked out of the front of the car to see the road leading into Mississippi was completely blocked off by barbed wire and sandbags. I turned back to see Mandy slam on the brakes for her car and O.C. do the same right behind her. A voice boomed through a megaphone ",This road is blocked off. The state of Louisiana is under Marshal Law and no one is allowed to leave. Turn off your cars and step out of the vehicles with your hands in the air. Any sudden moves believed to be threatening or an attempt to escape will be met by lethal force."  
  
We did as the voice said. I stepped out of the back and slung the shotgun over my shoulder. The lot of us stood there with our hands over our heads. We couldn't see the men standing there with rifles trained on us since we were currently being blinded by a spotlight. The voice came over the megaphone again ",Turn around and walk backwards towards me." We did that and at the barricade he said again ",Get on the ground on your stomachs with your arms out above your head. Keep your faces down on the ground."  
  
We all did as he said. Well, almost all of us. I had to pull Haldir down with me since he refused to get on the ground saying he was too dignified for it. I kept my nose to the asphalt but saw a pair of military issued boots stop near my head ",Sir, its just a bunch of kids. They're armed but I think they fought their way out of the state."  
  
"I don't care what they are or what you think. Follow protocol."  
  
The boots kneeled down next to me ",What's your name ? Where'd you come from ?"  
  
"Tina Baker. We ran from Hammond when it was attacked. Before that it was Zachary. And before that it was New Orleans. Please, you have to let us through the border. If you don't we're as good as dead."  
  
"What are those things in there ?"  
  
"Orcs, Uruk-hai, wargs, Nazgul. They don't care that you have guns. They outnumber your barricade five to one and that's me giving you generous odds. If you're not going to let us through then shoot us right here so that we can die quickly."  
  
"Tina," Mandy screamed.  
  
"They're coming," Aragorn called. I risked a look at him to see he had his ear pressed to the ground. I did the same. I could hear the rattle of battle armor but it didn't come from the vibrations in the ground it came from about two hundred yards behind.  
  
I heard numerous automatic weapons click as bullets were loaded into their chambers. "Sir, we can't just leave them here," the soldier called out to his commander.  
  
"Are you going to let them just murder us," Eomer yelled. "If you are let the women cross and leave us here."  
  
"Get them up and on the other side of the barricade," the megaphone voice said.  
  
We were up and running for the barricade when I risked a glance over my shoulder. There were more orcsback wards and uruk-hai there than I'd ever seen. The wargs had joined them. Haldir grabbed my arm pulling me along ",We must find shelter for the hobbits then we fight."  
  
Once we cleared the barricade bullets flew through the air at our enemies. We didn't look back we just ran. I scooped up Pippin since he was beginning to lag behind. Aragorn already had Frodo. Matt had Merry and Haldir had Sam. We were passing the military trucks when I got an idea. "We'll never out run them. Get in."   
  
I got behind the steering wheel while everyone piled into the back of the truck. "Keys, keys, keys, where would I be if I were keys ?"  
  
"Sometime today, Tina," Nienna sang from the passenger's seat while looking out of the window.  
  
I flipped open the visor and a set of keys fell into my lap. A few moments later we were driving down the road with the screams of the military men fading in the distance. I can honestly say that this is not good. Nope, not good at all. With those military guys gone we could pretty much count on not having any help with nice big tanks and bazookas coming for us anytime soon. "We need supplies," I yelled out of the window.  
  
"What," Aragorn screamed back.  
  
"SUPPLIES ! WE NEED SUPPLIES," I screamed at the top of my lungs.  
  
"The mall," Joel said as he leaned into Nienna's window causing her to nearly have a seizure.  
  
"The mall ? Why the mall ?"  
  
"Clothes since what we brought is currently in flames. You'll see that if you look through your mirror." Yep, he was right. Nice big pillar of flame which could only be my VW. I'll miss the P.O.S. "Better weapons since there's a sporting goods store there."  
  
I sighed ",Only one problem."  
  
"What's that ?"  
  
"Sporting good stores don't sell ammo. They sell arrows for the elves there but no bullets."  
  
"Well, we can get ammo someplace else. Oh, and the mall has a Wal-Mart so we can get food."  
  
"Why don't we just do one stop shopping at Wal-Mart and get everything in one place ?"  
  
"Fine. Take a left at the light."  
  
Five Minutes Later at the Local Wal-Mart....  
  
We all looked at the sign that had been hung up in the door. "Closed due to invasion," Pippin read out loud. "What's an invasion ?"  
  
"Uhm..," I thought for a moment then I got an idea on how to explain it. "Okay, lets say Aragorn here is ruler of Gondor."  
  
"I am ruler of Gondor."  
  
Boromir leaned into his face ",No, you're not."  
  
"Fine," I huffed ",lets say Boromir is ruler of Gondor..."  
  
"That's more like it," Boromir said with a smile.  
  
"So glad you approve," I replied back sarcastically before turning back to Pippin. "Okay, so Boromir rules Gondor. Aragorn over there who rules lets say...the Shire."  
  
Merry pulled on my sleeve ",He can't rule the Shire. He's not a hobbit."  
  
Now I was starting to get frustrated ",For the moment lets say that he does."  
  
"But he can't."  
  
"Fine, he rules Rivendale. And, Elrond, if you say anything so help me I'll shove Merry so far up your nose you'll be sneezing curly hair for years."  
  
"I was not planning on interrupting you, Lady Tina."  
  
"Good. So, Aragorn, rules Rivendale. He decides one day that he wants to rule Gondor. So he gathers up his army and attacks Gondor. They break through the gates and invade Gondor and defeats Boromir and becomes ruler of Rivendale and Gondor. That is until Legolas, who now rules Mirkwood, decides that he wants to take over Rivendale and Gondor. Then it just happens all over again. Do you understand ?"  
  
"Yes...well, no, not really."  
  
"Good." I walked up to the sliding glass doors and smashed one of them open with the butt of the shotgun. "Now, lets go shopping. Nienna, back the truck up to the doors to make loading easier."  
  
"You're trusting me to drive ?"  
  
I handed her the keys before following everyone else inside. Joel began giving orders then ",Okay, everyone take a cart and split up. Grab everything you think we'll need. Tina, you're in charge of food. Take the hobbits with you."  
  
"Fine, grab some carts boys."  
  
We grabbed our carts and split up. I bypassed the food and the hobbits gave me a curious look. "I thought we were getting the food," Frodo asked as all four tried to keep up with my long strides.  
  
"We are. But why do things the hard way. We can grab cases of this stuff in the back."  
  
We hit the store room and began piling things into the carts. Cases of peanut butter, jelly, tuna, mayo, mustard, soda, juice, microwave dinners, cheese, bread, bagels, pizzas (at Pippin's request), mushrooms (also at Pippin's request), meat, chicken, frozen fruit and veggies. I figured we could do the frozen stuff since if we were going to hide out in a warehouse on the water that it was a fish warehouse and had freezers. And what warehouse that kept employees didn't have a microwave ? And if we needed to cook over flame I was sure that there were some barrels that we could start a fire in.  
  
When we made it back to the front everyone else was already loading their carts into the bed of the transport truck. Haldir looked at our overly full carts and tried not to smile. Tried being the operative word here. "I see you're a bit hungry."  
  
"Shove it, Haldir," Sam snapped. "We're a large group and therefore had to shop in quantity."  
  
I smiled down at Sam. He'd actually learned something from me. Granted, everything he probably learned from me was insults. But so what. I taught him something.  
  
Haldir cleared his throat as we began loading the food in. "I hope you don't mind, Tina. I did your shopping for you."  
  
"What are you talking about ?"  
  
"Clothes. You weren't really planning on wearing that into battle ?"  
  
I looked down to examine my clothes more closely. He was right. I don't think a skirt would offer much protection in battle. "You better not have anything ugly. Hey, when did you guys have time to bag everything ?"  
  
No one answered since we were cut off by the sound of ratteling armor once again. Everyone began throwing what was left into the truck before jumping on. Someone yelled for Nienna to floor it which she did and we all ended up on our backs in the bed of the truck. Once again we barely eluded the enemy. I looked over to Joel who smiled at me briefly ",We cleaned the store out of every gun and bow they had. But the ammo won't last long."  
  
"I saw a pawn shop on the way here," I offered.  
  
"Are you suggesting we break the law two times in one day ?"  
  
"Sure, why not ? After all we are only protecting ourselves. And how can we protect ourselves if no one's open to sell the stuff to us. So I don't consider it breaking the law at all. I think we should just consider ourselves the law."  
  
Joel looked at me strangely before he and Faber exchanged the look. The look the screamed ',She's avoiding and masking. Keeping everything in. She'll blow soon.' Then they both looked back at me.  
  
"Shove it you two. Lets just stop at the pawn shop and find a place to stay where we won't get maimed or killed."  
  
So after a brief stop at the pawn shop (brief because the alarm was too damn loud) we found a place that suited our needs. Large enough that we had some breathing room. It had freezers, microwaves, and a stove (get that). There was roof access through a hatch that was hidden above some stairs and water access through a hatch in the floor. There were large warehouse doors at the back that I guess were for letting the ships come in close to dock and unload their haul. There were enough nooks and corners for all of us to have our own little sleeping area. And there were crates all over the place. That seemed strange with this definately being a fish warehouse and all. We knew that since there was a freezer full of fish that couldn't have been two days old. But, why were there crates ?  
  
Next time- Crates and a fishy smell.  
  
Our refugees (they can't be called heroes at the moment since they've spent like the last three chapters running away) find out that the warehouse isn't what its cracked up to be. They find out just how bored one person can get. The orcs may attack. Someone gets the idea of using a certain hated song for orc torture. And just what is in those crates anyrattlingdefinitelyway ? 


	17. Crates and a fishy smell

A/N- I would like to thank Tongue in Cheek Scribe, Blue Jedi Hobbit (a.k.a. LadyoftheLlamas), Nienna Yavetil, and all of my other reviewers for...well, reviewing. Now here is the next chapter. And I apologize if its short because I'm writing off of the top of my head.  
  
Disclaimer- I own nothing. I especially don't own Britney Spears nor do I want to.  
  
Crates and a Fishy Smell  
  
The warehouse was quite comfy if truth be told. It had some luxuries which made it quite habitable. There was a break room which contained the usual snack machines along with a decent sized television that for some reason received cable channels. In one of the offices there was a computer with internet access. There was even a shower. Granted it was a shower that was meant to was off chemicals so it only spewed out cold water. But, hey, beggars can't be choosers. One question did come to mind though. Why was there a chemical shower in a seafood warehouse ? No matter how comfortable this place may be something just didn't feel quite right about it.  
  
I sat atop one of the mysterious crates Indian style trying to bore a hole into the wood with my eyes. When that didn't work I tried willing my brain to create X-Ray vision for me. I let out a frustrated sigh when a sharp pain went through the back of my head. I looked around the room but no one was there. The others had decided to either go eat or to fight over the TV or both. My eyes continued to wander around the massive space before resting on one of Gimli's axes. I looked back down to the crate then back to the ax with an arched eyebrow. A few moments later I stood before the crate with my weapon firmly in hand.  
  
"What are ye doing with my ax, Lassie ?"  
  
"Oh, nothing, Gimli," I replied as I swung the blade into the wood where it firmly embedded itself. I yanked on the handle but the damn thing wouldn't budge.  
  
"Ach, leave this to someone who knows what they are doing." Gimli walked over and managed to remove the ax with one good pull. He looked up at me with his bushy eyebrows raised ",Now what are you trying to do ? I do not need you destroying a good weapon."  
  
"I wanted to see what's inside."  
  
"Why ?"  
  
"Because I'm curious and I want to see if curiosity really killed the cat."  
  
Gimli mumbled something under his breath that I could swear was an insult or two in dwarvish as Legolas walked down the stairs to join us. "What are you two doing," he asked. Everyone seems to ask me that lately.  
  
"The lass wishes to see what is in the crates so that she can kill a cat."  
  
"That is not what I said. I said I wanted to see if curiosity really killed the cat. Jeez, get it right."  
  
Legolas took Gimli's ax from him with much protest before burying the handle into one of the cracks in the wood. Legolas moved the handle back and forth until the front of the crate fell down with a loud crash releasing a lot of brick shaped packages on top of it. Aragorn who at some point in time had decided to join us cut open one of the packages with a knife. White powder spilled over the cut. Yep, the cat's dead. Stiff as a board. Not going to be curious anymore.  
  
"What a strange substance," Aragorn mumbled as he went to stick his finger in the package.  
  
I grabbed his hand ",No. Don't touch. Put it all back in and seal the crate back up."  
  
"But, milady, tis only a powder."  
  
"Its much more than that. Joel, Faber, get down here."  
  
Instead of just Joel and Faber everyone decided to run down the stairs. "What's wrong," Joel asked.  
  
"You picked out a drug warehouse," I screamed.  
  
"A what ?"  
  
"Drug warehouse."  
  
"Who," Faber asked.  
  
"You two."  
  
"Did what," they both asked innocently.  
  
"Picked out a drug warehouse. Jeez, out of all of the places to hide out you had to pick the one that could send us to jail for twenty years."  
  
After some arguments we managed to get all of the drugs back in the crate and sealed it back up as best we could. Well, now the chemical shower was explained. But we were not allowed a moment of peace after that. The dock began to shake and a battle chant could be heard beyond the doors. Everyone grabbed a weapon of some sort. I personally stuck with the shotgun and grabbed a bow with some arrows. I looked over at Haldir ",You gonna teach me how to actually hit something with this ?"  
  
"There are plenty of targets just outside."  
  
"Everyone on the roof," Aragorn called.  
  
Gandalf, Celeborn and Elrond began to follow us but I stopped them ",You three stay down here in one of the rooms. Keep trying to get Celeborn to remember the spell. Beat the shit out of him if it helps any."  
  
I took off back up the stairs to the roof where I stopped only feet from the edge. As far as the eye could see there were Orcs. Gimli was bouncing from foot to foot in excitement ",Throw me down. I could take out the whole lot single handedly."  
  
"I'm sure you could, Gimli," I answered. "But I'm starting to like you and I think I would be sad if you got hurt."  
  
Gimli blushed a bit but he calmed down all the same. Legolas stood to the other side of Gimli with Aragorn on his other side. Haldir stood to my left with the others to his left. I sat the shotgun down and readied the bow. "Just find a target, Tina. But do not fire unless they are advancing upon us."  
  
I did as he said and I didn't have to wait long. The orcs began to march forward. I released the arrow and it actually found a target. Haldir, Legolas and Aragorn released arrows of their own which found their own targets. Gimli threw one of his many axes and it buried itself deep into an orcs head. I laughed and called out over the clammor ",Khazad ai-menu !"  
  
Gimli began laughing as everyone looked at me in shock. "What ? I can't know anything ? Well, check this out. U bagronk push-dug !"  
  
The orcs began yelling back at me while Aragorn yelled over the noise ",What did you just say ?"  
  
"First time, the dwarves are upon you. Last thing, to the cesspool dung filth. I said it in orcish." Again everyone gave me screwed up looks ",I can speak many languages. Mostly insults though so it doesn't really come in handy."  
  
"What about elvish," Haldir asked.  
  
"No, can't say that I know it," I replied with a smirk, letting another arrow fly.  
  
The orcs for some reason weren't fighting back. I soon found out why. Pop music began to play loudly from inside the warehouse. Moments later Toxic by Britney Spears blasted through hidden speakers. The orcs screamed in pain before covering their ears and retreating.  
  
"Well," Nienna sighed ",that was interesting."  
  
"Tell me about it."  
  
Next chapter- I wanna go home  
  
Next to last chapter guys. Celeborn finally finds out what he did. The Fellowship are ready to high tail it out of there. Something happens between Haldir and Tina. And what happens when this spell goes wrong too. 


	18. I Wanna Go Home

A/N- Thank you to Tongue in Cheek Scribe for your reviews. You guys should go check out her story called Middle Earth World. It so rocks. A very loud hello to Nienna and King Matt because without them letting me completely warp their personalities I wouldn't even have a story.  
  
A/N 2- Thanks to my reviewers. Especially to Tongue in Cheek Scribe (hands over a Boromir plushie with fake arrows sticking out of its chest), LadyoftheLlamas [or Blue Jedi Hobbit] (hands over a Legolas plushie with a pink mohawk), and Nienna (hands over a talking Frodo plushie that says "The Ring is Mine" when you squeeze it). Now please excuse any errors in this story seeing as I'm extremely sick right now and have had little sleep. Oooohhhh, I know what you could do when you review. Send some chicken soup. I have no one here to take care of me right now since my husband and the two kids got to go on vacation without me. grumble, grumble, swear. Now on with the story.  
  
Disclaimer- Lord of the Rings, me own ? Nah, I don't think so.  
  
I Wanna Go Home  
  
We stood on the roof saying nothing simply because of the fact that we couldn't be heard over the damn music. Matt decided to put in an appearance right about then wearing a smug look on his face. "This was your idea," I screamed over the music which sounded like a whale dying.

"It worked didn't it ?"

"Yes, yes it did. Unfortunately its working on us too. I'm ready to jump off of here."

Matt's smug look went away ",I'll be back."

We all turned back to the dock and beyond that the street. We all watched as a car went whizzing by with part of its engine sticking up out of the hood. An orc was at the steering wheel. Joel and Faber got thoughtful looks on their faces. Joel was the first one to talk ",That's gotta suck."

"Broken motor mount," Faber said right behind him.

"Gave it too much gas."

"Too much torque."

The both continued at the same time now ",Twisted the engine too hard and sent it right through the hood. Good car too."

"I don't know what's scarier," I came into the conversation sarcastically ",the fact that orcs are learning to drive. Or the fact that the two of you are acting like that's a normal sight. I'm going to eat and see what's goin' on elsewhere in the world." I climbed back down into the warehouse and soon realized that everyone had decided to follow me in. Once on the landing though we kind of went our separate ways. Well, as separate as you can get in a warehouse. I went to the kitchen to find a nice plate of sandwiches just sitting on the counter completely unguarded. I grabbed the plate and a six pack of soda and went back to the offices. Haldir and Legolas were sitting on the stairwell next to the office that I was going to. I looked in and saw that Mandy and Matt were already there. I offered them a sandwich before I none too gently shoved them out of the way. I found my website and began perusing the different saying on the screen. Mandy, Matt, and I leaned back in our chairs to look at the two elves who were still sitting in the stairwell having a serious discussion that seemed to involve laughter. I smiled happily. This was going to be fun.

"Hey, Haldir," I called. He leaned back to look at me ",Auta miqula orqu."

Haldir looked back to Legolas ",Did she just tell me..."

"Yes, Tina just told you to kiss an orc."

"Dolle naa lost," Haldir retorted to which I spent a few moments searching the screen for the translation.

"Lle n'vanima ar' lle atara lanneina," I snapped back.

"You're pronunciation is horrible," Legolas chimed in.

Haldir shot him a glare ",Stay out of this princling. I am not ugly and my mother does not dress me funny, Thauren."

I smirked ",That's all you've got. Telling me my head is empty and calling me abominable one ?"

"I thought you couldn't speak elvish," Haldir shot back.

"I don't but with the help of the computer I can speak anything. Agaryulnear."

"I am no bloodsucker, 'Ksher."

"Yes, I do believe I'm evil. Thanks for the compliment, Unguer."

"She does have a point," Legolas once again cut in ",you are quite hollow."

Haldir was turning a very pretty shade of crimson as he muttered ",Lanner."

Now it was my turn to sputter. How dare he. If he had any experience with women he would know not to tell her that. "I AM NOT WIDE."

"Just admit that I have bested you and I will take it back."

"NEVER. NOSTACH BE ORCH GAER. There I said it. You smell like an orc."

"This," Haldir growled ",means war."

I shot up out of my seat ",Bring it, elf-boy."

He began advancing towards the office, his face never changing from being angry, now I was getting kind of nervous. I looked down to Mandy and Matt who just exchanged looks before looking back up at me. "We'll run interference. Go for reinforcements," Matt whispered.

I nodded in understanding. Legolas was just continuing to sit on the top stair watching the events unfold. He's a lot of help now isn't he ? When Haldir reached the doorway Mandy and Matt tackled him onto the wooden floor and struggled to keep him on the ground. I jumped over the fighting trio and made my way for the stairs only to have them blocked by Legolas.

"Who's side are you on, elf ?"

"What kind of elf would I be if I just left my kin out in the open ?"  
Figures. Stupid nancying elf. I looked for another way down and soon found it in the way of a bracing pole on the other side of the balcony. Legolas noticed it too. He reached out for me but I jumped over the railing and slid down the pole to the floor below. I looked up only to see Legolas was almost down the stairs and Haldir was not far behind him with Mandy and Matt still clinging to his legs. Great ! Now where do I go ? I turned to my left only to be tackled mid-stride by Legolas who then proceeded to tickle me to death. He was soon joined by Haldir. The hobbits were taking this all in before they declared their allegiance.

"For Tina," Frodo called, raising his fist in the air.

"FOR TINA," the other hobbits called before jumping onto the backs of the elves.

"Trust an elf to not be able to do anything right," Gimli grumbled deciding to help the elves.

Now I was having trouble breathing. Not just because I was being tickled to within an inch of my life but I also had a lot of weight bearing down on me. Aragorn and Boromir looked at each other and shrugged while Aragorn replied ",We could help Tina."

"But we won't," Boromir offered.

They soon joined Gimli and helping the elves. Eomer, Eowyn and Faramir just looked at one another as decided to actually help me out. It was soon an all out war with my friends, Eomer, Eowyn, Faramir, and the hobbits on my side. We faced off against Haldir, Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, and Boromir. The poor guys didn't seem to realize they were highly out numbered. We began to run towards each other with every intent of taking no prisoners (except for Haldir who we would torture for fun later) before a loud boom of thunder in the building stopped all of us mid-step. We all looked over out shoulders to see the "adults" of the group, Gandalf, Elrond, and Celeborn all looking at us quite sternly. "It is late and we are trying to find a way home. So I suggest that all of you find your way to your beds and get rest while you can," Elrond boomed, doing the freaky eyebrow thing. I think he can be scarier than Gandalf sometimes. We turned back to one another seriously considering not listening to Elrond but thought better of it.

I made my way up to the office that I had claimed as my bedroom only to see that I would have to share it. Want to guess with who ? Yep, you guessed it. Haldir. Drum roll please. Now, let the torture begin.  
  
Haldir's POV  
  
Having been in close proximity to Tina for a number of weeks I have learned quite a bit about her. First, she likes to sleep in the most uncomfortable looking positions. Lately, she has preferred to have the wall against her back and completely twisted in her bed covers. How she manages this I have no idea. Second, she likes to keep her weapon close at hand. And third, she's a very light sleeper.

"Haldir, I swear upon all that calls itself holy, if you don't shut up, turn off the lamp, and go to sleep I will string you up by your ears."

I had heard her perfectly well but I also heard Lord Elrond in my head ",Celeborn has remember the spell. We will leave at first light."  
My shoulders slumped. I was not sure if I was ready to leave quite yet.

Tina had sat up when I did not answer her. "What's wrong ?"

"Nothing important I assure you."

"And Napoleon didn't have a height complex. What's going on ? Did Elrond do that weird talking in your head thing ?"

"As I have already told you it is nothing important."

"Fine," she huffed before lying back down and properly twisting the covers around her.

I thought back to the shopping experience at the Wal-Mart where her friends Joel and Faber had taken an interest in mine and Tina's dynamic.  
  
Flashback  
  
"So you like Tina," Joel asked, taking a defensive stance.

"She can be pleasant enough," I responded, not really paying that much attention as they steered me into the electronics section.

They both broke out laughing while they stood there staring at me. Faber was the first to pull himself together ",We're here to help. Since we know Tina best and all."

Joel grabbed a CD and handed it to me ",We're going to tell you one thing to say and she'll be putty in your hands. Trust us."  
  
End Flashback  
  
I continued to look at Tina who then cracked an eye at me still managing to look suspicious ",Will you just go to sleep or whatever it is that you elves do."

"Tap on my window. Knock on my door. I want to make you feel beautiful," I said just loud enough for her to hear.

She seemed to shoot up out of the sleeping bag when what I said finally made it through to her. "What ?"

"I think you heard me."  
  
Pippin's POV  
  
Merry and I had run to the room that Tina was in only to stop at the door, looking through the window. There on Haldir's bedroll were Tina and Haldir...kissing. "Well, Pippin, will wonders ever cease ?"

"I don't think so, Merry. I thought they hated each other."

"I think it was just an act. So no one would suspect."

I nodded not really knowing what else to do. I looked over at Merry ",I think we should leave now. I feel like we're spying."

"But...shouldn't we tell them what Elrond said ?"

"We'll do it tomorrow. They deserve a little peace tonight."

We walked down the stairs to where the others were setting up for the night. Merry pulled out his pipe, putting it in his mouth thoughtfully ",They do make a nice couple don't they, Pippin ?"

"Yes, they do."

Aragorn looked at us then ",What are you two up to ?"

"Nothing. We went to tell Tina and Haldir that we were going home but they were unavailable," Merry stated.

Aragorn arched his eyebrows in confusion but then reality dawned on him and he just smiled. "Hopefully the March-warden can keep his head out of the clouds."  
  
Next Chapter- At the end of the rainbow.  
All good things must come to an end. But fear not. The first chapter of the sequel will be up in a few days. Maybe sooner. Anyways, the Middle Earthians are going home. Will this spell work out ? I so don't think so.

A/N 3-I just thought that those were the best lyrics from Maroon 5's song "She Will Be Loved". I think they're very romantic. You can let me know if you think I've lost my mind.


	19. The End of the Rainbow

A/N-Sorry its taken me longer than usual to post this. First I couldn't figure out how I wanted to do this. Then someone infected my computer with three very nasty trojans that threatened to kill my poor, innocent computer. They even managed to find a way around my firewalls. I haven't even gotten a chance to write the first chapter of the sequel yet but I do know that it will be called Click Your Heels Three Times and I know some not so nice things will happen to our main characters here. So now on with the show. But first here are my reviewer responses:  
  
Snow Crystals- Nienna said she is the one and only. She said other stuff too but I can't remember it. Oh, and I'm not 19, in the present story yes but now no. The chapter you read had me being older and the title was also entitled the chapter that has nothing to do with the story.  
  
Nienna- Thanks for your reviews. You rock. I think I'll send you another half-demon but this one with cat ears if you can handle another one.  
  
Tongue in Cheek Scribe- I love it when you review. Oh, I've been meaning to tell you that I love your pen name. I hope the hurricane dies out on the coast. But have a hurricane party anyway.  
  
Lady of the Llamas (Blue Jedi Hobbit)- I like your names too. When are you going to update ? Thanks for the reviews.  
  
At the End of the Rainbow  
  
Haldir's POV  
  
I had not slept at all the previous night. I was awake to see the sun rise over the horizon. Well, I didn't actually see the sun rise but I did know it was happening from looking up through the window in the office that faced the water. I looked down to see a mass of short brown hair covering a face that was already buried in my chest. I wanted to know what that face looked like when the person was sleeping. I already knew what she looked like angry, sad, and happy. I gently brushed a few strands away from her face but like I've stated before Tina is a very light sleeper. I tried to supress a laugh when Tina mumbled something about real girls didn't dance they kicked ass. She looked up at me with half open eyes and a smile ",What time is it ?"  
  
"The sun has just risen." But to myself I thought ",We still have time."  
  
"Goin' back to sleep. Gah, how do you elves wake up so early ?"  
  
She buried her face back into my chest and pulled a sheet over her shoulders. Once she was satisfied that she was comfortable she drifted back off again. Footsteps on the landing drew my attention and I looked to the door to see Legolas peering into the room. He motioned for me to come with him. I looked from Tina to Legolas then back to Tina. Did I really want to leave ? The Lord and Lady needed me to watch their borders. Did I really care for Tina that much or was she just a conquest for me that I have now won ? In all honesty, we had managed to hate each other up until a few weeks ago. Then we tolerated each other. And now this ? I barely grazed my fingertips over Tina's face as I decided what I must do. I am Haldir, Marchwarden for the Lord and Lady. I cannot forget my duties. Though it will be hard for me to leave. I felt that if I didn't that Tina's world would suffer a similar fate as mine.  
  
Mandy's POV  
  
I was having problems of my own. Boromir was being bull headed. He wasn't going to go anywhere. I pushed him over to his friends. He looked down at me slightly hurt. "I wish to stay and help your world. You cannot possibly survive without my help."  
  
"Don't hold yourself in such high regards, Boromir. Yeah, we had some fun times but you have to go back now. Just remember to duck when you get back to your world."  
  
I looked over my shoulder to see Legolas and Haldir walking quietly down the stairs. They soon joined the others. I moved away from Boromir but stood near Tina's bandmates. We stood apart from Matt, Nienna and O.C. Gandalf was getting ready to do his magic thing when Tina came tearing down the stairs. She looked like she had just woke up. Tina had just thrown some clothes on, something that looked clean off of the floor no doubt, and her hair looked like she had just been electrocuted. I turned my back on her and walked away. What was left of her band did the same.  
  
Tina's POV  
  
I skidded to a halt in front of Haldir but looked at the entire group. "So that's it. You're just gonna leave without saying good-bye ?"  
  
Aragorn looked down at me with a smile. It was a fatherly sort of smile. "We have said our farewells. We did not wish to disturb you."  
  
"Yes," Pippin chimed in ",you were up pretty late discussing tactical matters with Haldir."  
  
I blushed furiously and Pippin was rewarded with several smacks upside his small head. "I don't care that I was up late. After everything we've been through these last few weeks I would expect that you guys would at least say so long to me."  
  
And everyone did just that. When it was Haldir's turn he looked over his shoulder before looking at me ",I have duties that I cannot abandon."  
  
"I'll pretend to be an adult for once. I'll say I understand. 'Sides, its not like we're committed or anythin'. You could stay though."  
  
He just smiled before kissing me on the lips which I think made me blush worse than ever before. I'm not going to cry. I'll save my tantrum for later. After they've left. After some much needed therapy. After....oh, hell, I'll end up doing it as soon as they go poof. When I looked up again it was Legolas that was standing in front of me ",You did well by protecting the hobbits. I feel that you would give your life to protect your friends. Remember, though, there are other lives that require that you remain breathing for them to live."  
  
Legolas kissed my forehead. I looked over to Gandalf who had a strange twinkle in his eye. He leaned down and whispered in my ear ",I have a feeling that this will not be the last time that our paths cross. Until then."  
  
They disappeared before my eyes. Yep, definately going to act like a two year old in a candy store after their mom just said that they couldn't have anything. I grabbed the nearest shotgun and bow with a quiver of arrows and headed up to the roof. Now, the whole reason that the Fellowship and friends left to begin with was because the orcs, wargs, uruk-hai and Ringwraiths were suppose to disappear right along with them. Now imagine my surprise when I finally popped out on the roof that all I saw were the army of Sauron. So much for Gandalf getting the spell right. Eh, a little live target practice couldn't hurt. Those things seem to know that something had happened because they were beginning to regroup. That couldn't be a good thing. I started to fire shotgun rounds at random orcs when something caught the corner of my eye. It was a blur of camo. Military camo to be exact and the pair that were wearing the fatigues were running straight for the warehouse doors. Should I just let them get mauled ? It would be fun to watch. No, it wouldn't. It would be kind of gross. I ran to the roof opening and screamed down ",Open the door. There are army guys tryin' to get away from orcs. Open the doors."  
  
I ran back to the edge of the roof and tried to cover them as best as I could since I was the only one up there. I could hear the doors slide open and then slam back down. I continued to fire upon the gross things until I ran out of shotgun shells and arrows. The arrows were a waste though since I missed quite a few times.  
  
In Middle Earth...  
  
The spell went as well as Gandalf could've expected considering the source that it came from. Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli landed exactly where they had originally disappeared from. The orcs, unfortunately, hadn't gone anywhere either. So the battle raged on. Sam and Frodo dropped down into the boat and began to make their way across the river where they would then head for Mordor. Merry and Pippin landed in the middle of a pile of rushing orcs. Soon Boromir popped up but he had already forgotten what Mandy had told him. Several arrows found their mark in his chest. As he fell to his knees he muttered ",Bloody hell."  
  
Gandalf found to his misfortune that he had resumed his falling after the Balrog. He looked at the Balrog before yelling ",Where's Glorfindel when you need him ?"  
  
Two Months Later....  
  
Nienna's POV  
  
The army guys came in kind of handy. They were a whiz in the kitchen since none of us could cook anything edible. The last time Matt cooked Tina was sick for like two months. That's kind of strange now that I think about it. How could someone have food poisoning for two months. Tina said it was the flu. But she got sick right after she ate. Getting off track here. The army guys were from the blockade that we had run through into Mississippi. Their names were Curtis and Danny. They were pretty good guys if you like the strict army type.  
  
The news and internet reports that we could get were all saying the same thing. Help wasn't coming anytime soon. Curtis and Danny had tried several times to radio their base camp but no one would answer. Or there wasn't anyone there to answer. The reports were also telling us that not only had Sauron's army taken over the south but they had also taken over the southeastern coastal states. All states were under Marshal Law. Like that has done any good. The President didn't want to send any more soldiers into the "conflict zone" until he had been fully briefed. That was over two weeks ago and there still wasn't any sign of a rescue. Guess we can only make the best of this.  
  
I was getting kind of hungry so I went up on the roof to see if Tina wanted anything since she rarely came down from there now. She said target practice was too addictive. I think it actually has something to do with the Fellowship not being here and the fact that Mandy and her bandmates weren't talking to her. They weren't talking to Matt, O.C. or me either. I think everything that has happened has finally caught up with them and they for some reason blame us. What are you to do ? I personally won't do anything. I poked my head through the opening to see Tina sitting on the roof surrounded by little wrappers. They looked a lot like fudgesicle wrappers. Since she looked like she had just pigged out I decided to get some food for myself. I wonder if there are any Oreos left.  
  
Mandy's POV  
  
Gah, Tina's getting fat. Jeez, she's turned into a pig.  
  
Matt's POV  
  
I watched Nienna crawl down from the roof hatch before I went up myself. Something about Tina had been nagging me. She was gaining a lot of weight lately. I wonder if she knows that she's pregnant.  
  
Tina's POV  
  
Yes, you dork, I know I'm pregnant. Why else would I be eating everything in sight and then puking it up ?  
  
I stared out over the edge of the roof to see something that I had been expecting for the last few weeks. The orcs were attacking. "Get up here guys and bring your weapons."  
  
I was soon joined by Curtis, Danny, Nienna, Matt and O.C. Mandy, Joel, Jonothan, and Faber were nowhere to be seen. I poked my head into the hatch. "Come on you guys."  
  
Jonothan looked up at me from the bay doors ",We're finding another way out. I'm tired of fighting."  
  
"Where ya gonna go ? We don't have a boat !"  
  
"We'll swim for it," Faber yelled back.  
  
They pulled the doors up only to be greeted by yet another middle earth monster. That made the four high tail it up onto the roof. I looked at the thing that was currently trying to destroy the warehouse ",Great. We trade in the Fellowship and end up with the mutant octopus from the black lagoon. Could things possibly get worse ?"  
  
Arrows were flying onto the roof. The building was swaying back and forth from the Watcher in the Water trying to tear it down. A crack of one of the pier supports answered my question. Yes, things could get much worse.  
  
A/N- Last chapter. Now on with the sequel. I should have the first chapter up shortly. 


End file.
